Blind and Sighted

Today, my teacher told me an uplifting story that I thought I would share here. My teacher knows someone who has been blind since he was a baby. He wasn't born blind, but he was born premature and only weighed two pounds. Now this is back in 1953 when doctors didn't know what to do with a two-pound baby. So they put him into an incubator. Unfortunately, the oxygen level in the incubator was so high that it burnt his retinas and so the boy was able to see for a day and was blind for the rest of his life. This person, however, did not consider himself disabled. Having grown up blind, he adapted to it very well. He does not use a seeing-eye dog, just a walking stick, and he counts his steps so he knows where to go. Sometimes, he'll still walk into the wrong house, but he just asks people where he is so there's no problem there. He also makes very good money working at the Social Security Administration and even learned how to drive. Seriously, he'll just say, "Let's go to the movies!" and then proceed to drive everyone to the movies.

This man ended up marrying a blind woman. Now the woman did not grow up blind, but gradually began losing her sight when she was a teenager. She became completely blind at the age of sixteen and, unlike her husband, considered herself disabled. She was not used to being blind and it was not until a year later, when she got a seeing-eye dog, that her disability "disappeared." The assistance of a seeing-eye dog opened up a whole new world to her and now she gets around very well.

The interesting thing about this couple is that their first children were a set of twins. Who were sighted. It must have been a very interesting household for two blind parents to raise two children who could see. Of course, they had lots of help from their social support group, but they tapped into their creativity as well. For example, they tied bells onto the shoes of the children so they could tell where the children were located in the house at all times. Simple, elegant, and practical.

That story was just so uplifting for me to hear. I love that the people who are often termed "disabled" aren't really disabled at all, and live very fulfilling, well-rounded lives. It's a great testament to the human spirit and human ability.

Old Smells

I was walking home from school today when I caught a sudden whiff of pine and maple. It immediately brought back childhood memories, mostly of books, old and yellowed. It's like when I open an old book and stick my nose into the binding and inhale. It also strongly reminded of thrift stores and antique shops, repositories of classic items and ancient collectible books. My family shopped at thrift stores all the time when I was a child and I would always head straight to the books section. Since it was a thrift store, a lot of the books were very old and worn, dating back to the 50s and 70s. I loved those old books. I loved gently opening the pages and reading the tiny, myopic, squished font and seeing how the book was turning the color of burnt toast around its edges. Ah, childhood memories.

I'm an adult now and I still head to the books section of thrift shops and stick my nose into the old books. Some things never change.

Peaceful easy feeling

I was driving home today, around ten at night, when I realized that I was feeling at peace with myself. I felt like an adult. I had moved far away from home and was making a life for myself. I went to class, I paid my bills, I'm able to live on my own...I felt very responsible. I felt capable of doing things that many people twice my age couldn't do. I looked around me as I was driving and the city lights seemed peaceful. They weren't glaring and they didn't blind me. The trees, too, silhouetted against the night sky, didn't seem to stand out any more than anything else. In other words, I felt like everything in the world had equal weight-- like nothing was more important than anything else, like no person was more important than anyone else. It was nice, this peaceful feeling. Then as I neared home, I thought, either I'm feeling very peaceful or I'm just very sleepy. Knowing me, it was probably the latter. Still, it was a nice feeling, kind of like that peaceful, floaty feeling you get right before you fall asleep. Good thing I was almost home. Almost home.

Accept and Detach

Another strange and wonderful thing happened to me last Wednesday night when I was leaving class. I was walking in the bitter cold, trying to make it back to my car so I could drive home. It was so cold that I was wearing four layers: my long-sleeved shirt, a thin jacket, a furry jacket, and an overcoat. My scarf was wound all the way around my neck and covered my mouth and nose. I walked with my shoulders hunched and my head bent down against the wind. Then I suddenly remembered something. A few days ago, I read this book where a man said that whenever he felt pain, he would open himself up to the pain and fully accept it; this, strangely enough, allowed him to detach from it. He said that if an emotion is fully accepted, even if it is pain and suffering, can one detach from the feeling. So I thought to myself, I'm feeling cold and miserable right now, but if I can accept it, then maybe I can detach from it. Besides, hunching my shoulders for so long is killing my back. So I straightened up, opened myself to the cold, and my scarf fell away from my face and neck. Suddenly, I didn't feel cold anymore. I stood there for a minute, in the back alley of some parking lot overgrown with weeds, unprotected by walls and warmth, and...I didn't feel cold anymore. I mean, sure I could still feel the wind swirling around my ankles, but it's like the cold couldn't touch me anymore, not any deeper than just the barest surface of my skin. In other words, the cold didn't bother me. Huh, I thought. Maybe there is something to this after all. Or maybe it's just the placebo effect. In either case, I walked back to my car in total comfort, no longer cold and hunched, no longer defeated by cold and wind and snow. Call it what you will. Mind over matter. Catch and release. Accept and detach. The point is, it worked.

"Is any of this real or is it all in my head?" ~Harry Potter
"Of course it's all in your head, Harry, but why does that mean it's not real?" ~Albus Dumbledore

Trust, said a gentle voice...

A strange and wonderful thing happened the other night. I woke up in tears again, overwhelmed by fears of the future, overwhelmed by thoughts of not being able to find a job or finding a job I don't like, fears of being perpetually being poor and always having to pay off debt. Will I ever amount to anything? I thought. Will I ever get myself out of debt?

Then a calm voice inside me said soothingly, Trust in yourself, remember? Trust in the future. Trust in God. Trust in your decisions and trust in yourself. And I ACTUALLY STOPPED CRYING. I just sat there, my breathing and pulse calming down. I thought, You're right. I don't know the future yet and there's no way for me to tell how it's going to turn out. 

Good, now go back to sleep, the voice said gently. So I turned on my side and went back to sleep.

P.S. I know, I know, it makes me sound crazy. It makes me sound like I'm hallucinating or hearing voices, but let me tell you something, I'll take the imaginary voices that help support and uplift me over the real-life voices of people who have humiliated me and cut me down all my life. Take from that what you will.

Staten Island Ferry

I was riding the Staten Island Ferry this morning. It was a cold, blustery day. I sat on the plastic green seats, staring out at the vast ocean waves and the seagulls flapping awkwardly near the hull of the ferry. I was thinking about life when I suddenly thought, “Life is too short to live someone else’s dream.” I don't know why it came back to me, but it made me think something about myself. Maybe I’m hypocritical. Maybe I tell OTHER people to live their own dreams while I did not do the same. I felt like a sage who did not follow her own advice, a preacher who did not believe her own sermons. I mean, here I was, IN grad school, and for what? To pursue someone else’s dream? I definitely did not plan on going to grad school when I was younger. I didn’t plan on a lot of things. But I made them happen anyway. Then I began to doubt myself. I began to ask if I was really doing this for me or if I was doing what my family wanted, what society expected. In spite of all my individualism and “find my own path” mentality, I still felt like I had sold out somehow. That I had given in the pressures of society. I felt like I had put my values in the wrong thing. Not to say that higher education is an invalid value. I know that I’m doing something for my future. I know that I’m doing something for myself, even if it means getting into a mountain of debt. Yet somehow, I feel as if this was not what I wanted. I feel like I had postponed living my life just to gamble on something that COULD be better and yet may not be. Truthfully, I was tired of the uncertainty. I was tired of the doubt. I was tired of the DEBT. And not just the debt I owed to the government for my loans, the debt I owed to my parents, to make them proud because they had given me life and raised me. I felt like my life stretched on ahead and THAT debt would never be gone. It would never evaporate or diminish.

I looked out at the New York City skyline in the distance, the tall spires and skyscrapers in the air. I thought about my dream to live there and how much it was going to cost me. I saw the Statue of Liberty and thought about how immigrants--poor, illiterate, and uneducated--somehow made a living there. I watched the seagulls as they wheeled in the air, veering towards the ferry and then banking away. I thought about how free they were…and how cold they must be sometimes. Yet they didn’t LOOK cold. They didn’t look empty and hollow, like there was a void in their lives which they were trying to fill with all the wrong things. All the wrong things. 

Then again, maybe I'm not doing this for the wrong reasons. Maybe I'm not trying to fill up my life with all the wrong things. Maybe everything WILL work out, in spite of all my doubts. Like Steve Jobs said, "You can't connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking back." Maybe now is not the time to look back on my life. Not yet anyway. 

Not yet.

Tea and Sunshine

The sun is shining today! It's been raining and overcast for the past five days and just this morning, the sun came out. I noticed when I was typing at the computer and I saw sunbeams streaming into the office. I was so excited that I ran to my nearest coworker and said, "The sun's shining, Nikki! The sun's shining!"

"The sun IS shining," she concurred, astonished as she watched the sunlight coming in through the window. "It wasn't shining when I came in," she said.
"It wasn't shining when I came in, either," I told her. "But it's shining now. (Cue Beetles song)

Of course, it was that moment when our internet decided to crap out so Nikki had to go and fix that. She wanted me to brew some coffee for her this morning, but I confessed that I didn't know how to use the coffee machine. In spite of working in a coffee shop for a year and a half, I still didn't know how to work a coffeemaker. In the end, Nikki had to do it herself.

An hour later, another coworker came in bearing boxes of tea and everyone brewed their own cup. I myself am sitting at the desk sipping Ultra Spice Chai. After a while, the coworker with the tea comes in and asks if anyone wants any candy; she has apple flavored candy and peppermints. I decline the candy but, at her suggestion, I take a peppermint and plunk it into my tea. So now I'm drinking Chai with a hint of peppermint and enjoying the sunshine. It's going to be a great day. :)

P.S. One of my coworkers was telling the story of how she put peppermint into her pineapple tea once and it turned out really well. She didn't think the flavors would go together, but in the end, she's glad she tried it. Now, however, she has to hide her peppermints and her peach and mango tea from her granddaughters because they like to use it all up. Ahhh, kids.

Journey to the past

You ever have one of those moments when songs just pop into your head? I was driving home the other day when a song from my childhood popped into my head. The lyrics go:

Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear...

Or how the road can seem so long
Or how the world can seem so vast
Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
On this journey...
To the past.

~"Journey to the Past" from the animated motion picture Anastasia by 20th Century Fox

This song came at an opportune time. Once again, I was feeling unsure about my future, unsure whether I would ever amount to anything or if I could ever live a life where I didn't have to worry about money. In spite of the multiple times I tell myself to trust my decisions, to trust God, to trust in my future and that everything will turn out okay, I still have doubts. I've never met with much success in my life, and so it feels as if the doubt and uncertainty is always what I fall back on. The song lyrics, however, gave me some hope. I may have lots of trust issues, but maybe I can learn to trust a little at a time, a day at a time. "Courage, see me through, heart, I'm trusting you..." Maybe one day, those words will ring true for me.

The Da Vinci Code's lesson

I just finished reading the Da Vinci code a few days ago and I learned the secret to suspense writing, to keep the reader glued to the page and to keep reading. The trick is to take a few characters, make them sympathetic (in other words, make the reader root for them), and then constantly THROW THEM INTO TROUBLE ALL THE TIME. That's why I felt the book The Da Vinci Code was suspenseful and a page-turner. The two main characters were thrown into danger over and over again. It seems as if the moment they catch a break and have a chance to breathe, something incredible and threatening happens. The second trick is to figure out clever ways to get them out of trouble. That's what Dan Brown did with this book and it really kept me trying to deduce how they did it. Brilliant stuff, that is. Brilliant.

Sunday's get together

On Sunday, I was supposed to go meet an old friend for lunch. I drove over an hour to reach the designated meeting spot, but, as long as I waited, he never showed up. After a while, I gave up and drove home. Once home, I went online to ask if he was okay (we don't have each other's phone numbers). I said that I was getting worried when he didn't show up at the restaurant. He replied and said that he DID show up and had waited over an hour for me. I was confused. As we recounted our day, it turned out that we somehow showed up at the same restaurant at the right time...and still missed each other. I swear, my life should be one of those screwball comedies (like the Mindy Project or 30 Rock). I just don't understand how it happened. I arrived at ten minutes before noon (noon being our designated meeting time) and looked and looked. I even walked twice around the restaurant and then asked the hostess if anyone had come in and was now waiting for someone. The hostess looked confused, but, after checking with her colleagues, she returned and reported that no customer had come in and was waiting for someone. My search around the restaurant proved the same. There was no one sitting alone or waiting for anyone. There wasn't even anyone in the restaurant who looked like my friend.

The sad thing is, my friend is moving away next weekend so this was my last chance to see him for a few months. I told him that I might get to meet up and hang out over the summer so we're holding out for that.

How did I miss it? I wonder. How did we miss each other? Maybe it will forever be one of those unsolved mysteries...

Saturday's Get-together

This past Saturday, I hung out with my school friends in downtown. We ate lunch together at a restaurant and then went to a friend's house to play a board game. I really miss having time to hang out with friends and then a realization struck me: How in the world did I have that much free time in college?! Surely, I was busy then, too! But no, I had considerably more free time as an undergraduate than I do now in grad school. It's sad really. I feel as if I just get busier as I get older and there's less free time to enjoy anything--whether it's hobbies, time with friends, or just time alone. Hopefully, I will have a lot more free time (and money) once I finish school and start working. For now, I honestly don't see how other people do it, especially those getting their Ph.D. That's about five years of life gone. And yet somehow people still have time to pursue hobbies, dating, and do all of their dissertation work...I must learn their secret!

Baking?

I was talking to Matthew the other night about cooking. He had just made broccoli cheddar soup and I asked whether he used a recipe or just made the soup using what he knew in his head. He said that he just made it up. Matt said that he already knew how to do the soup base and so he just added the other ingredients as he went along. "I know cooking like you know baking," he told me. But that just made me re-think things because Matthew knows how to make soup just like that, no recipe. Every time I bake, though, I have to use a recipe. In spite of baking for the last eleven years of my life, I still have to use a recipe every time I bake something. Does this mean that to really know how to cook and bake, someone should know how to do it instead of just using a recipe? And if that's the case, then does that mean that I don't really know how to bake? Inconsequential question, I know, but it made me start to doubt myself a little...

Office Job

I've been back at internship for about a week now, and no one has come in to fix our lights! They went dim the day my internship opened back up for the new year, and now, a week later, the lights are still very dim and flickering. It's better in the morning because there is natural sunlight streaming in through the windows, but when evening comes, it's a different story. My coworkers and I are struggling as we type up documents and organize files. Turrible. Absolutely turrible. I told my coworkers that I'm bringing in a lamp tomorrow just in case no one comes to fix our lights. Everyone, including me, is suffering from eye strain, and I can't take much more of it. I already have terrible eyesight and so I want to salvage whatever is left before I go legally blind.

Also, now that I'm working at my internship full-time until the school semester starts, I'm really getting a sense of how boring office life can be. It's lots of paperwork, filing, typing, and organizing. Not that I have anything against that. As a matter of fact, I'm quite good at that kind of secretarial office duty. When I took a career test in eighth grade, my strengths and talents pointed me towards being a file clerk. (Yes, God had great plans in mind for me...). It was fine doing clerical work two days a week during the school semester, but to do it for 40 hours a week is monotonous. Sitting for hours on end is not helping my back, either. My back tends to complain if I sit for too long. I do take time to stretch every 20 minutes, but the small office space and the jobs I am assigned do not allow much room for physical activity.

My mom used to praise office jobs. It's safe and secure, she told me. It's air-conditioned and protects you from the elements. In those cases, an office job DOES has its perks. It IS climate-controlled in here and it's a relatively safe, predictable environment. Still, the tradeoff for that is monotony, repetition, and a sedentary lifestyle. Not for me, no thank you. I never thought I would say this, but I hope that wherever I end up, it's not an office job.

Wine-Tasting

I went wine-tasting with a few friends this past weekend and boy, was I tipsy. I had the equivalent of about a glass or two of wine and I was stumbling all over the place and laughing at everything...

I really should get tipsy more often. The world is funnier that way. :)

The first wine tasting was in this farmer's market that made and sold their own wine. The lady conducting the wine-tasting seemed very knowledgeable and to really enjoy what she did. I got my first taste of berry wine here. The second wine tasting was on a winery where there was this sweeping view of mountains, orchards, and wide open field. It reminded me very much of Long Creek from back home and once again, I felt this strong urge to go live in nature. Although, if I ever did, I wouldn't pick a place so cold...

In addition to the new wines, I got my first taste of wine crackers. They serve them with wine tastings to cleanse the palate. They are these tiny, crunchy things that remind me of white, puffed up Cheez-its. They tasted more like shortbread than Cheez-its, however, and I liked them so much that I just kept popping them into my mouth, even when I didn't really need to cleanse my palate. They went very well with the wine and made me curious to try different desserts with wine. I'm definitely coming back here again.

Matt bought a bottle of semi-sweet Hard Cider for us to drink on Valentine's Day weekend. I also liked the Stone House White Wine so one day I'll go back and buy that. Matt said that we should start up a wine collection with red wines for him and sweet white wines for me. I agreed. I didn't mind wine as long as it was sweet and with low alcohol. I know that's not the classy way to drink it, but seeing how I got tipsy from just one glass, then that should be enough warning to stick to the lighter stuff. I'm such a lightweight, but I am starting to enjoy wine more, even if in just small doses. Another plus, we got to keep our wine glasses from the tasting so Matt and I came home with four new wine glasses. :)

Number 7: Finding the Right Group of Friends

Ah, now this one is important. I've had lots of ups and downs with friendships and every time I think I finally made that "forever" group of friends, something changes. People drift apart, move away, change, find new groups of friends, etc. I never had many friends growing up. Maybe one friend at a time for a few years, but that's about it. I had a group of three friends in middle school, and barely any friends in high school. Additionally, I've often debated on the merits and dynamics of friendships as well. I once made an off-hand comment that maybe I shouldn't have any friends; Melissa was very upset by that.

I thought I had made my "forever" group of friends in college, but a lot of drama happened. People in the group made new friends and left our friendship group. Others moved away and some just don't talk or hang out anymore. It happens. I've made a few friends here in graduate school, but since most of them live far away, I don't get to see them outside of school. Now that we are on winter break, I want to set up a time for us to spend together, but for some, it doesn't justify the long commute just to meet up with some old classmates/acquaintances. Besides, everyone is busy and have their own lives. I've sort of made friends with my roommates, but between all of our busy schedules, there isn't much time to hang out. I can see now why it can be hard to have friends. It just seems like people get busier as they get older. We have school, jobs, family, partners. Then some people get married and have kids and then life becomes about the kids. People with kids tend to hang out with other people with kids so their children can have play dates. Then sometimes, people finish school and move away, move back home, or get jobs and it becomes harder to keep in touch.

Maybe some day, there will be that "forever" group of friends. Or maybe my life is not meant to be that way and there's nothing wrong with that, either. I understand that people change and that life sometimes take people in different directions. If I'm meant to keep moving from group to group, place to place, then I will accept it and see where life takes me. I will enjoy my friends when I am with them and I will look forward to making new friends.

Then there are the people who do NOT make good friends at all and that's also part of finding the right group of friends. Over the years, I've dropped people as friends who did not treat me well and who put no time or energy into the friendship. There are also people who did not treat my other friends very well and then there were friends who were just plain creepy, manipulative, bigoted, or excessively clingy. I've dropped those friends as well. Sometimes, it can be liberating to do that. Life is too short to spend the time being friends with people you don't like or with people who don't really care about you. I heard some good advice once from an article. It said to whittle down your friendship group to the three or four people you REALLY want to be with and who reciprocate. Then spend most of your social time with them. You can still have other friends, but it's this group that you will truly enjoy and appreciate the most.

Number 6: Being a Super-Fan

Here the article talked about being a super-fan of people like Justin Bieber or of One Direction. I'm not particularly a fan of them, but I suppose there are other figures whom I admire that others might look down upon. I like Lady Gaga for example. I also used to love listening to the Backstreet Boys. However, I would not call myself super-fans of these people. I don't have posters of them hanging up in my room and I don't go to their concerts and scream my lungs out when they get announced on stage. Then again, I can't afford to go to a concert. I suppose this one worry is not too salient or relevant for me.

Then I wondered if there any controversial actors or actresses I liked. Maybe, but  I wasn't too into it, either. I go through phases where I'll be obsessed with a certain person or a certain group, but it passes in a few months. So meh.

Number 5: Having a Perfect Resume

My resumé has not ever been particularly impressive. I'm in graduate school now and so making a 4.0 GPA in high school does not count for much. My grades in undergraduate were only average and my extracurricular activities have been a hodge-podge of volunteer activities that have nothing to do with each other. My resumé also says that I took three years of French, but I can't speak it at all. I can read it a little bit, but that's not particularly useful if I have a French-speaking client and I don't have the ability to talk to them.

Sometimes, I wish I had done more extracurricular activities, but I doubt that it would have helped me with my field of work now. I never participated in anything that had to do with social work or with counseling people. I never did an internship or worked at a mental health clinic. Even my volunteer activities were never impressive since they just consist of one-day volunteer activities and not regular attendance in any group organizations. I suppose my lack of extracurricular activities was partly a result of depression and low self-esteem in my younger years. Since I was painfully shy and avoided outside activities, this prevented me from participating in any regular groups. Thankfully, I have reduced my depression and my self-esteem has improved since then so I am more willing to try things. That's part of the reason why I look forward to growing older. I like myself better with every year, and maybe this will spill over into my work life. And my resumé.

Color-coordinating

Related to my previous post about defining my personal style, I was talking to Matt about how I wanted to learn how to color-coordinate this year. I'm so bad at color-coordinating. I'm the kind of person who wears  a shirt with horizontal stripes while donning pants with vertical stripes. Then I have mismatched socks on underneath the pants. Big fashion faux-pas. I've never really thought much about fashion or color-coordinating when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I start to notice how coordinated outfits really make for a well-put-together look. It's aesthetically pleasing. It draws the eye without desperately screaming, "Look at me! Look at me!"

Matt said that he thought learning to color-coordinate was a good idea and told me about how they make an app for people to coordinate color schemes. He told me that computer designers use it to coordinate color templates for webpages, but that it could also be used for color-coordinating clothes, too. I should look into that. My phone cannot use apps, but maybe I can learn how to color-coordinate from books and online articles. I also have a coworker at my internship who is good at color-coordinating so maybe I could learn from her.

Number 4: Defining Your Personal Style

My personal style has developed and consolidated as I've grown older. There are some things that have remained consistent over the years. For example, I loved dressing in classic black and white. I love red, too, especially if it's bright and vibrant red. Sometimes, I'll throw the red in with the black and white and go for a muted "vampire look." I used to dress a lot in red, white, and blue as well (not for patriotic reasons, though. I just thought the three colors looked good together. There's probably a good reason that many of the world's flags used red, white, and blue). As for other styles that have evolved over the years, I like checkerboard and argyle patterns. I love fleur-de-lis and I absolutely adore gothic lolita style. I've always wanted a plaid gothic lolita dress. I also like combat boots and coats that show off a woman's waist. One of my favorite outfits is to wear combat boots with a plaid dress and lacy corset. Maybe a bit extreme for some people, but it's what I like. At least for right now.

On the other hand, there are styles I'm not particularly fond of, such as paisley (I hate paisley!), animal prints (except for zebra), and houndstooth. Actually, I'm a bit on the fence about houndstooth. Sometimes I think people wear it well. For example, I love Lady Gaga's houndstooth outfit and piano, but other times I don't like it. Maybe that will change as I get older.

More updates on my personal style as it evolves.

20 things not to worry about before you turn 20: Number 3

The Number 3 tip on this article was not to worry about spending too much time on Tumblr. I hardly know what Tumblr is, leave alone spend too much time on it. Then the article goes on to say that websites such as Tumblr or Twitter "can be a great way to connect with others and figure out your own interests and aesthetics." (www.huffingtonpost.com). I suppose if it's a sharing website, then one could connect with other people and learn about their own interests and aesthetics. I personally like to look at interesting photos on the internet, usually photos of nature, animals, or sweeping landscapes. I also like candid photos of people and inspirational, uplifting pictures. Now I'm not looking at these photos at 3 am the day before an exam, but I do like to browse through them in my free time. For a long time, I've dreamed of just quitting, leaving everything behind, and travel the world taking pictures of people, animals, and places. Maybe one day when I pay off all of my debt, I can go do that.

New Year's Resolution Updates

I know that the new year is only a few days in, but maybe doing regular updates on my resolutions will help to reinforce my resolve and document my progress in keeping up with things. Two of the resolutions have been helping--eating less sweets and enjoying the silence. They have been affecting my life in positive ways. Just the other day, I resisted eating sweets and when I went to the grocery store, I refrained from buying any fatty/sugary/over-processed foods. I'm quite proud of myself. I also don't listen to music anymore while I'm driving. Instead, I spend the time in quiet meditation and I believe it lowers the anxiety I have about driving.

Something else I resolve to do is to spend less money. To this end, I sat down to thoroughly look at how and where I used the most money. I spent about an hour documenting my expenses over the last nine months of my life and it shocked me to discover how much money I spent on food. After that, I resolved to cut down on my food expenses. For example, now when I go food shopping, I don't buy dairy products or meat anymore. I also keep my purchase of processed foods to a minimum. Fruits and vegetables are less expensive anyway, and much better for my health. This new action has the dual effect of lowering my food costs and inducing me to eat healthier.

I also applied for food stamps this morning and hopefully, that will bring my expenses down as well. Lastly, I was talking to my roommate yesterday and she told me how she shopped at a certain grocery store because it's cheaper. I usually go to the expensive one just because it's right around the block from my house. Maybe I could take a trip to the cheaper grocery store and buy lots of food at once so I don't have to take multiple trips. Buying fruits and vegetables at farmer's markets might help, too. That way, it helps local businesses, brings costs down, and I get to eat better because I eat what's in season instead of food shipped all the way across the country from California or Florida.

January 2, 2013

I used to be one of those people who would continue writing the previous year on all of my checks and academic papers well into February. For example, if it's 2013 now, then I would usually write 2012 on all of my documents for January and February 2013. Recently, I've been more mindful of that. Usually, I would have no slip-ups until June or July rolls around and then I suddenly and inexplicably revert to writing the previous year.

Also, I had a conversation today with Matt and I feel as if I'm not myself with anyone. There IS a downside  to being too accommodating after all. If I spend too much time thinking about how people are going to react, then they start to worry about how I'M going to react, if that makes any sense.

Or I'm just being too analytical. Am I being too analytical? I'm probably being too analytical. I should just learn to let go. "It doesn't have too mean anything," Matt told me.

More coherent ramblings later on.

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolutions

1) Practice mindful breathing. I often realize that I get short of breath when I'm anxious or distracted so I will practice regular, mindful breathing in order to reduce anxiety.
2) Write more. I really miss writing poetry, for example. And those goofy, fairy-tale parodies I do every once in a while.
3) Cut down on sweets. I definitely eat WAY too many sweets. I took a good look at my teeth today and they looked disgusting. I'm not sure if sugar is the culprit, but it definitely can't hurt to cut down on it. Also, since diabetes runs on both sides of my family, maybe it would be a good idea to reduce my sugar intake before I develop anything.
4) Spend more time just staring into space. I know that this one is strange, but I really do feel eye strain from so much reading and computer use required for my schoolwork. I resolve that in my free time, it would be better to just stare off into space and practice my breathing rather than surf the web.
5) Work on my cooking/baking. Matt suggested this one. He noticed how I was so enthralled by making French bread at his apartment that he recommended I get into it more. I usually stick to making the same things, but maybe this year would be a good one to branch out.
6) Assertiveness. Or rather, just be myself. I've been monitoring my interactions with people and from what I've gleaned, I act too stilted around others. I'm always afraid of hurting someone's feelings so I don't usually say no. I also spend too much energy anticipating people's needs instead of just asking them what they want, and that doesn't help anyone. This year will be a good year to undo that.
7) Relish silence. Every day, I feel as if I just jam in too much noise around me. Radio when I'm driving. Music when I'm working. Mindless chatter just to make conversation. What's wrong with the silence? Too long I have been using noise to drown out feelings of depression and alienation, of worry and hopelessness. But now is the time to figure out WHY I'm having those feelings instead of just running away from it all the time. As my supervisor would say, "Explore. Explore. Explore." Well, now is the time to do that.

Happy New Year, everyone! I'll write again when I celebrate Chinese New Year. Or Tet, as they call it in my home country. :)

Matt's Birthday

So today was Matt's birthday. I wanted to go out and do something special, but Matt just wanted to have a lazy day inside. It being his birthday, I readily acquiesced. When I asked him what he wanted to do, he suggested making French bread. Matt had received a Julia Child's cookbook for Christmas and so we spent the day making dough and letting it rise and stuff. Matt and I read through the cookbook and I must admit that I like the way Julia Child writes--compartmentalized and with a touch of humor. She's also subtle when she writes not-so-flattering things as well.

Matt also downloaded the game Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis on his computer for me to play. Now that was fun. The people who made the game also did a good job transitioning the music and casting the voices. The guy they got to voice Indiana Jones is named Doug Lee, but he sounds a lot like Harrison Ford. I looked forward to playing it because Matt had told me so much about it and because there were supposed to be puzzles to the game. Apparently, the puzzles were not in my area of expertise. The game requires me to read other people and to figure out what they want. I'm terrible at the kind of stuff (funny how I'm going to be a social worker someday). Matt had to help me out when I became too bogged down and I realized that I have a bit of a narrow view of the world (something my friends have told me for years). It took me a long time to realize that not all puzzles can be solved at one at a time. Sometimes, it's a better idea to go off and solve other things before I went back to the original puzzle. That's my problem right there. I'm too focused on things right in front of me. It does not occur to me that something I learned earlier might help later on. I don't notice things like that. Maybe playing this game could help me learn that skill.

After hours in the apartment, Matt got cabin fever and so we went out to find this game store in lower Manhattan. Matt and I thought that they sold trading card games and board games so we had high hopes for it. It turns out that they only sold one type of game and the entire store just focused on variations of that one type. On the other hand, I did get to play a Lord of the Rings-themed battle.

Truthfully, I was just glad to be out and about. I usually feel confined if I have to stay inside all day, but I did feel bad because Matt was shivering and cold the entire time we were walking around outside. In spite of this, we took a trip to McSorley's Pub where I bought Matt a birthday porter before we headed home.

Dinner consisted of homemade pasta, and we had green tea ice cream for dessert. The French bread turned out really well--all crispy crust and soft, spongy bread. Beautiful stuff. Matt sliced off two rounds for us to eat and we enjoyed it with pats of butter. I really want to get into cooking and baking now. Sometimes, I wish my life consisted of long days just working with my hands--cooking, baking, sewing, gardening, and building things. Maybe some day, I'll do that. Some day.

Also, something interesting came in the mail for me when I arrived home. More on that later...

New Year's Eve

I spent New Year's Eve with Matt in New York. Unlike what I had planned on doing for years, which was go to Times Square on New Year's Eve to watch the ball drop, Matt and I kept it low-key instead. We had a nice dinner of black bean burgers, snow peas, and home-fried potato skins. Then we had this riveting conversation about whether certain vegetables would taste better cooked in butter or in olive oil (I know, we're weird people). Finally, we went to sleep. At 9 pm. Serious old-man syndrome here. My friends were right when they teased me about sleeping so early.

"Oh, so you want to go home early so you don't miss the early bird special? Well, have fun playing shuffleboard before going to bed at 8."

But truthfully, Matt and I were just too exhausted to do anything. I had a plane flight all the way back to the Northeast and had to drag my luggage through the New York subway. Matt, meanwhile, had been traipsing around town all day buying groceries for that night's dinner.

It's strange, we didn't even think about going to see the fireworks or taking a walk outside to look at the festivities. We just turned in at nine and fell promptly asleep. Matt did wake me up around midnight, and said, "Happy New Year, sweetheart" before we went back to sleep. Later on, he told me that he had woken up because he heard fireworks and inferred that it must have been people ringing in the new year. I told him I didn't hear anything. Figures. I love sleep way too much to even notice fireworks and explosions.