Sept. 17, 2012

I was reading an article by Marilyn Frye called Oppression Matters. In the article, she was talking about a birdcage and how some people only see the bars, not the whole birdcage. I thought that it was a very good analogy for microscopic, individualistic explanations for behavior, and the macroscopic, “zooming-out” that one could do by looking at societal influence. 

I thought that it was a good metaphor for explaining things by either..A) attributing it just to an individual’s background or motivations or personal deficits (seeing only one bar of the cage at a time) or...B) by zooming out and seeing how the society people live in greatly affects them on a day-to-day basis (seeing the birdcage). It made me think of how some things could only be fully explained if one zoomed out and looked at how society influenced people, instead of just relying on the individualistic explanations that is so characteristic of American culture. 

Society influences people in so many subtle but pervasive ways. Take rape for example. A lot of people like to believe that rape is the victim's fault. The victim should have “known better” or they must have dressed provocatively or they must have “wanted it.” People like to blame the victim and move on. But what about the perpetrator? More importantly, what about the society we live in where rape is “allowed” to happen? Why DOES rape happen? 

A large part of the answer can be found in two words: gender inequality. In cultures where gender inequality exists (aka, the vast majority of cultures), societal forces combine with individual choices to make rape seem like it is “okay.” That somehow, the victim really wanted it or that the victim’s feelings and privacy and dignity is irrelevant, because the rapist just cares about what THEY want. And most of the time, it's a woman who's being raped. And it's a woman who is being oppressed. 

I live in a culture where women and their work (and hence their worth) are devalued, where they are made to do to menial, unpaid housework and childcare, where they are continually oppressed and males are exalted in practically every dimension of social and private life. In a culture like that, then yes, rape is going to occur. Conversely, in a society where gender equality exists--where women’s work is just as valued as men’s work or where their work is seen as a complement to men’s work--sexual assault and rape are unheard of. Why would you rape someone you see as your equal? Why would you rape anyone at all? 

About halfway through college, I reached a conclusion about why rape happens: A lot of the time, rape isn’t about sex, rape is about power. And that, my friend, is seeing the birdcage.

Sept. 16, 2012

I really need to stop wasting time on the internet. I just end up reading plots of horror films on Wikipedia and having them scare me so much that I have a hard time falling asleep at night. Then I just lose sleep and I’m tired and tense the next day.

            Then I thought to myself, Why DO I waste so much time on the internet? Because I’m lonely, that’s why. I used to do the same thing when I was in college and I lost so much sleep that way. It also never made me feel any better. It just made me feel lonelier and emptier and even more alienated than before. I know that I’ve been feeling acute loneliness since last Thursday, but escaping into the internet is no escape at all. It’s just a distraction, a distraction from feeling empty and directionless, of feeling alienation and…anomie. Definitely anomie.

So what now? If I don’t have companionship and I shouldn’t be on the internet so much, then what should I do?

            Well, the first thing to do is to stop wasting time. Life is too short and too precious to be spent mindlessly wandering the web. It’s time to dive back into the real world and immerse myself in what really matters—education, relationships, broadening my horizons, and improving my health and well-being. Starting today, I resolve to do all that, beginning…NOW.

Sept. 15, 2012

This morning, I was driving to H Mart and feeling pretty good about myself, pretty optimistic. I got a lot of sleep last night and after I went through my list of things I was grateful for, life didn’t seem so bad anymore. As I was driving, I stopped at a traffic light near River Road and the sunshine pouring through my window and onto my lap just filled me with all this hope and renewed optimism. That’s when I decided to renew my promise to trust in God.

I know that a lot of people out there don’t believe in God, but I do, and believing in Him often gave me hope when I had none. So now, I will trust in God. I will entrust my future in God. I trust that He has a plan for me, a secret, a knowing smile about how it will all turn out. I trust that I made the right decision in coming up here and going to school here and choosing my major. I believe that it will lead me down great and humble paths. I believe that I will do good things and I will create good things. I trust that people will remember me in positive and fond ways and I trust that I will believe the best in them. I trust in something larger and greater than myself, and maybe that is where my future and hopes lie.

Sept. 14, 2012

My goodness. Stressful day. I took my car into Goodyear to have some maintenance work done on it. I had received these coupons in the mail and my car was due for maintenance anyway so I thought I could kill two birds with one stone. Mistake. Next time, I learned that I should always read reviews of a place before I try it out, especially if it’s for something that could potentially cost me a lot of money (like doing maintenance on my car). So I take my car in and they tell me that they can do an oil change for me and that I should get my thermometer changed, too. I agree.

Hours later, I get a call from them saying that they found a few other things they can do maintenance on, like cleaning my rear brakes and replacing my cabin and air filters. I agree to do the maintenance work…at the extra cost of $197. What was I thinking? Oh yeah. I was thinking that doing maintenance work is a lot less costly than waiting for something to break down, especially if my car broke down at a time and place that was inconvenient. However, I really wish I had stuck to my requests for just an oil change, and not even “change my thermostat”. 

I phoned Matthew and he told me that I had been ripped off and that I should call them and tell them to stop whatever they are doing on my car. I called, but they had already finished their work and told me to come by at 7 pm to pick up the car. Disheartened, I hung up and waited. When Matt called back and I told them that they had already finished work on my car, he told me very firmly that I needed to call them back and tell them to stop ripping me off and to discount the charges for what I did not explicitly ask for. I began crying uncontrollably at that and finally, he told me to give him their phone number so he could chew them out.

SEE? THAT’S IT. That reluctance to cause trouble, or make waves, has always been such a pervasive (and sometimes unfortunate) part of my personality. I’m just too scared. I’m too scared to complain. I’m too scared to say no. I’m too scared to be assertive or speak my mind.

It’s sad really. People walk all over me, take advantage of me, and I never do anything about it. I just lie there and take it. It frustrated my mother and now it’s frustrating Matthew. And I ‘m not sure I understand why. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE. I REALLY NEED TO WORK ON MY CONFLICT-AVOIDANT PERSONALITY. THIS CAN’T GO ON FOREVER OR I’LL JUST BE AN EMPTY SHELL OF A PERSON WHO PEOPLE JUST TRAMPLE ON.

That makes me think: Am I going to be this way forever? This sap who can’t stand up for herself? This weakling who has to have other people fight her fights for her? When will it ever change? When will it ever stop? Where do other people’s feelings end and my rights begin?

Craig used to call me a door mat. He was right.

Sept. 13, 2012

During lunch break: I just realized that I eat my pretzels methodically. Not only pretzels, but Oreos and sandwiches, too. Maybe I’ve always known this about myself, but this is the first time I’ve taken conscious note of it, and did some self-exploration about this aspect of my personality.

When I say that I eat my pretzels methodically, I mean that I usually eat the broken ones first. The intact ones (or the relatively intact ones) I leave at the bottom of the bag. Save the best for last, I tell myself.

Whenever I eat an oreo, I look at each bite to see how it has shaped and impacted the oreo, then I meticulously plan out my next bite so as to keep the oreo in some conventional shape. Half-moon, for example. Or crescent moon. No more full moon now that it's bitten. Lots of moons.

As for sandwiches, I always like to keep the sandwich even. That means that if stuff is spilling out one side of my sandwich, then I bite off the side with the dangling modifiers first. I can’t stand dangling modifiers! Hence, I bite all around the sandwich until it is this clear-cut shape, usually circle or oval or square or, hell, even a kidney bean. But that’s the way I eat my sandwiches.

I sent Matt a text message telling him my realization that I eat my pretzels, oreos, and sandwiches methodically. He said that he ate his oreos methodically, too. I wonder what that says about us as people.

Or maybe it doesn’t say anything at all. Maybe we’re just crazy. Or maybe it’s the sandwiches that are crazy. :)