Inattention

Matt told me something the other day that revealed yet another part of my personality that I did not know about. He said that whenever I walk somewhere, I don't pay much attention to anything around me; I just focus on the road ahead of me.

The next time I went for a long walk, I realized that he was right. I don't pay attention to anything around me. When that realization struck me, I took my head out of the clouds and immediately sunk myself back into the present. That's when I felt a swelling of emotion bombard me, all these emotions I had forgotten about because I had suppressed them so much. That's when I realized why I zoned out whenever I went walking--it felt lonely, empty, and scary. You know, for someone who has always prided herself on emotional independence, for someone who keeps saying that she doesn't need friends, I talk about being lonely a lot.

As I explored this further, memories started to come back to me, memories of being lonely as a child. Memories of being lonely and friendless in middle school, high school came flooding back to me. Memories of being lonely in college, even amongst my friends, came back to me. Memories of being lonely now that I'm in grad school...well, those are very recent memories. Somehow, some way, I had suppressed and buried all of these feelings.

Just the other day too, I was driving with Matt and I almost hit two people--an elderly woman and a young girl. I probably would have ended up hitting them too if Matt had not kept shouting at me to watch out. This experience really shook me. That's when I realized that I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings when I was driving either. This inattention almost took two lives.

That's when I realized that I needed to change. I needed to stop living so much in my head. It was so comforting in there, so predictable...but so dangerous.

Now whenever I go walking somewhere, I pay attention. I pull myself out of my thoughts and focus on where I'm going. Whenever I drive, I turn off the radio, turn off my music, and turn off my internal monologue. Focus on driving. Focus on the road. Focus on my surroundings and the people around me. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm getting better. It may be lonely to live in the present, but it can be deadly (and unhealthy) to live in my head.

So goodbye inner thoughts. Goodbye. I'll entertain you nevermore.

Limits and boundaries

I was talking to Matthew last week and he said that I wasn’t the kind of person who would tell others to GTFO.

I was taken aback, but then I realized that he was right—I have trouble telling people no. What’s more, this pointed to the fact that I was not good at setting boundaries and limits. The same way a practitioner should have boundaries and limits with clients or that parents should set boundaries and limits with children, I should do the same with the people in my life. After all, it’s one of the key ingredients to developing a healthy self-concept. Otherwise, I risk a maladaptive form of “fusion” in which my feelings are too tied up with the feelings of others. In cases like this, it leads to an unhealthy relationship where I let people take advantage of me…which might explain my codependent relationships with my family and friends.

Now that I’ve realized the extent of this problem, I can take steps to correct it. For example, whenever I’m in a situation where others ask something of me, I shouldn’t immediately say yes. I should stop and think of how it will impact me. Will it mean re-arranging my entire day or interfere with important things in my schedule? Will it severely inconvenience me? Better yet, how will I feel if I say yes? Will I feel like I’m being a nice, helpful person when I’m truly seething on the inside? Will it make me resentful and irritated? Will it make me hate myself more and more? Is it worth swallowing the frustration and putting on a fake smile all in the name of friendliness? Those are the important questions I need to ask myself. As strange as it sounds, sometimes I have to look out for myself as well as others. My needs should be balanced with the needs of others, not replaced by them.

Wow, my supervisor was right. I should explore my feelings more; they can really point to what’s going right and wrong within me.

Oct. 19, 2012

I spent so much of my life trying to please my mother, trying to please my father, and...not really trying to please my brother, but just getting him off my back. Now I realize that I shouldn't have been having been doing that in the first place, at least, not to the extent I was doing it. I spent years trying to be the "good girl"--obedient, submissive, and docile. Educated. Hard-working. Polite. Courteous. All of these stupid adjectives. I felt as if I spent years trying to measure up to some standard that, once met, would always be set higher. And higher. While that's healthy and normal and even desirable to do with children, it wasn't healthy the way my family went about it. With insults. And unkind words. With emotional abuse. And making me cry. With taking away any sense of decision-making. With taking away my voice. And then my father would grow frustrated with me when because I wouldn't "act like an equal." Children aren't ever "equal" to their parents. Not really. Not even if the children turn fifty and the parents are eighty or ninety. Somehow, parents still see their children as, well, children. They go through this conflict of seeing their child as a child and then expecting them to be a full-grown, functioning adult. The same old argument happens all the time.

Parent: I am very disappointed in you. I expected that you would act better than this. I expected that you were old enough to know better by now.
Adult/Child: How can I act like an adult when you treat me like a child?!

The same argument goes on. And on. I was talking to Matt about it the other day, about how my parents treated me. Then I told him that my parents thought I was abandoning them when I moved far away from home. And I DID feel like I was abandoning them.

"You didn't abandon them," Matt said. "They drove you away."

When I thought about it that way, it seemed to fit my life in a different way. I remembered all the fighting my parents did and how they spilled over into their parenting. I remembered how they treated me and my brother. I remember how my brother treated me and I suddenly felt that it wouldn't be too much of a loss if I never saw them again. Actually, I've been feeling that way since I was thirteen, and because of that, I've worked so many years to escape from them. Escape from a religious fanatic mother who called me fat. Escape from an insensitive brother who ridiculed my feelings. Escape from an alcoholic father who repeatedly expressed disappointment in me for "not making something of myself." And I just got tired of it, you know? I got tired of crying myself to sleep. I got tired of angrily (but quietly) leaving home to go take a walk. Or drive somewhere to escape. I felt tired of escaping from a place I was supposed to call home.

Home. What a strange word. What an alien concept. What a goal to achieve. Something to look for. Something to wait for. Something to fight for. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Maybe a place to really call home, maybe people to really be a family to me...maybe that's worth fighting for.

And maybe I'll get them someday.

Bringing things up

I feel like I made Matt frustrated today. I mean, is it any good to bring something up if it is already too late to do something about it? I think I just made him feel confused; maybe he even felt attacked. I probably should work on that...

Also, at my internship today, a client mentioned how "if someone wants to do something, it's all on them. Changing people, places, and things is nice, but nothing's going to work if you don't change yourself." He gave many examples of how people have fought past temptation and/or bad influence to come out a strong, well-adjusted person. While I feel like his preachings have a strong "free will and individualistic" bent, I do think that there's something to it. There has to be something said for people who resist peer pressure, societal influences, and toxic environments to come out their own person. It reminded me of my (mostly) vegetarian diet and whether I should do something about it. His words also made me think about the contrast between my brother and me. While we had the same parents and grew up in the same household, the same neighborhood, we turned out to be very different people. Is this a result of biology or individual will? Probably a little bit of both. I believe that biological tendencies will make someone more prone to be risk-taking (like my brother) or risk-aversive (like me). Then again, we can also make our own choices, though I, for one, know how hard it is to go against one's nature.

This is something I want to explore more later on.

Internet Addiction

I wrote a blog post a while ago that talked about how I wasted too much time on the internet and how it was really just a distraction from loneliness. Well, today I was reading an article today on internet addiction and I thought, That's totally me! I get so wrapped up in surfing the web that I neglect homework, sleep, and social relationships. The article even said that a lot of internet addicts often rationalized, "Just a few more minutes..." and then that would spiral out of control.What's more, it usually added to feelings of loneliness and people would often pursue online intimacy at the expense of their real-life relationships.Some people were so addicted to the internet that it led to them losing their friends, their marriages, and even their jobs. I'm glad that I'm working to get myself off that path before I need serious help. Nowadays, I don't go on the internet often except for school. The rest of my internet time is spent blogging. :)

Oct. 10, 2012

I was walking home when I spotted something rare and unusual. I was striding along the sidewalk, enjoying the beautiful weather and the nice sunset, bebopping to music only I can hear when I encountered a large black SUV where the entire dashboard had little toy animals glued to it. Seriously, there were polar bears and lizards and horses on this thing. Now they were tiny toy figurines, not giant stuffed animals, but I still thought it made for a wonderful array of fauna on the dashboard. It reminded me of a scene from Chronicles of Narnia where all the animals and mythical creatures are lined up to do combat with each other. Fantastical.

That little display just made my day.

Back on Track

Whew. So I finally got my blog back on track.  I've posted all of the journal entries on backlog and sorted through a lot of my feelings. Some of the posts are published out of order, but I don't know how to correct that. For now, I have to leave them that way.

So what happened today? I ate lunch with friends again. This is becoming a regular thing. I also walked to school in the rain (underneath my trusty umbrella, of course). This is also becoming a regular thing. I've been doing lots of homework and actually keeping up with it. A third regular thing. I think life has taken on a good routine for me, a comfortable pace. However, this does not mean that it has gotten too relaxing. I still have to keep on top of burgeoning amounts of homework and watch my health habits. Fortunately, I've been really good at disciplining myself about getting to sleep at a good time--at least eight hours of sleep every night. Sometimes even nine or ten. I've been getting a regular amount of exercise, what with all the walking. Eating is on a regular schedule and I've kept up a healthy diet--lots of vegetables and controlling my intake of fatty foods and sweets. I still think I need to drink more water, but at least I've been taking my vitamins. Life is good.

Oh, and I finally disciplined myself about ironing my clothes on laundry day! I used to always put it off, rationalizing that I'll do it some other time. Then I'd be stuck having to go to some formal event and I wouldn't have any ironed pants or shirts to wear. From now on, I'm ironing clothes as soon as they dry.

Let's see...what other good habits can I develop? I think I can set aside a time each night to calm my brain and prepare for sleep. I feel as if my thoughts are racing 100 miles an hour in my head, always worrying about homework and errands and other things I have to do. I think now would be a good time to take up meditation practice again...

Infancy and toddlerhood

We went over infancy and toddlerhood in class today. My teacher described the different types of baby temperaments: easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult. I definitely did not have an easy temperament as a child so I was probably a difficult child. Actually, I remember stories my mother used to tell me about how I was a stubborn, difficult child--my needs were hard to understand and I seemed aversive to physical contact. I hated anyone touching me or holding me. Actually, I hated this so much that I bit people if they tried to hold me (reminds of Mogmi, the first cat I ever lived with; he also bit people if they touched him without his consent).  I was stubborn about refusing food I did not like, and I cried incessantly if I didn't get fed. I did, however, calm down as soon as I was fed, and then promptly rolled over and went to sleep. My mother loves telling these stories of my babyhood days, sometimes to reminisce with others and sometimes to illustrate how much I've changed or stayed the same.


Now that I think about it, I turned out very different from my babyhood temperament. I like physical affection now and I'm often affectionate with my mother, my friends, and my boyfriend. The other members of my family, especially males, are not so open to physical affection, but that's okay. It's our culture after all.


I'm also not stubborn about food anymore. I'm willing to try new foods and new things. Maybe it was just my preconceptions as a child that contributed to my stubbornness. I remember how I never wanted to try certain foods based purely on how they looked: bitter melon, artichokes, asparagus, okra, things like that. Mostly green vegetables that looked funny (strangely enough, I've always loved broccoli--they're like little trees!-- and green beans and snow peas). I did not try the strange-looking vegetables until I was much older, probably in my mid-teens or early twenties, and I turned out to like them all! Well, except bitter melon; the taste is terrible.

Now I can say that I'm glad I tried them and I can add them to the list of nutritious and delicious foods to eat. Maybe that's why I was stubborn of food as child. Misconceptions. Funny how things change as you get older.

Oct. 8, 2012

I drove home today feeling very, very depressed. I just saw my cousin yesterday all dressed up and decked out. She looked gorgeous, and I knew that I could never look like that. I knew that I would never have her wealth, her looks, or her piano-playing skills. I envied the children in the family, envied their easy, luxurious lifestyle, and how they never had to worry about money. I was so tired of being poor.

Cheer up, I told myself, you have plenty of good things, too. And besides, other people are going through much worse. That cheered me up for a little bit, but it didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep or crying on the drive home. I feel like I just have all this pent-up emotion. Like I've been trying too hard to be happy and positive that I'm completely ignoring my sad feelings, especially if the sad feelings are pointing to something wrong. That's when I realized that there may be a downside to always thinking positive, always trying to be happy and look on the bright side--people can lose their sense of comprehensive feeling. Maybe it's not always wrong to feel sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or disappointed. Maybe all those feelings have merit. Or at the very least, they provide clues, clues to the inner workings of our worlds, to our thoughts and perceptions and interpretations. At best, they could be a guide to resolve anything that hasn't been resolved, to bring attention to things that need closure.

After this revelation, I decided to follow the principle from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: I want to work on being better at feeling, and not just feeling better. I want to feel all my emotions--the good and the bad. I want to accept them and embrace them. I want to face my past and my negative thoughts and work through them. I don't want to just keep suppressing and repressing them. I don't want to just keep stuffing them into the back of mind and burying them while hoping they don't resurface.

The truth of it is, I don't think it's healthy for me. I don't think it's healthy to have to bury scars and then deal with the trauma when it surfaces. I think it's better to explore and to investigate, to probe and ask questions and figure things out. I think I need a fair amount of closure with a lot of the things that happened in my life and I would like to do it while being kind to myself, being patient and understanding. I don't want to reprimand myself for past mistakes. They can't be changed anyway so why dwell on it and rehash old sentiments? Why not work with them and settle them? Explore them and work through them? That's why I have this journal, I suppose, this blog. Part of this is to help me work through insecurities, past mistakes, and conflicting emotions. The other part is to look to the future for possible solutions, new ways of adaptation, and a brand new way of looking at things. I know that I can do this. I've already come this far.

I also read an article today that said how unresolved conflicts with parents can be transferred onto partners. I suddenly wondered if I was doing that with Matt and so I contacted him, saying that I wanted to talk to him at some point. He called me on the phone and helped me work through things. Truthfully, I was glad it I did it; talking with him helped me so much. I was having relationship insecurities and he reassured me that he loved me for so many deep and wonderful reasons. We have set a time to talk to each other and to work some things out. Hope the best for us.

Oct. 7, 2012

I went to church with the family this morning and somehow ended up sitting with the choir. After church, they thought that I wanted to join the choir and so they "recruited" me into choir practice. I didn't sing though, I just stood there lip-synching the lyrics and pretending to do tremolos and vibratos, just in case anyone was looking. They weren't.

After church, my uncle took me to a family get-together and they had so much food there! I can see that lots of food is a running theme in this family. Again, my cousins could eat a lot more food than I could. I mostly enjoyed some noodles and the sushi bar, but my cousins had two plates of food each and then went back for dessert. I enjoyed dessert, too--chocolate mousse cake, some fruit, and a sliver of flan. I actually don't like flan, but I always get an urge to eat it anyway. Must be the texture. It looks so much like cheesecake!

Lastly, I went back to my uncle's house to do the rest of my homework, but I was distracted by what was on television. My grandfather was watching a National Geographic Wild program, and I ended up watching it with him. Besides, it gave my tired eyes a chance to rest from all the reading. From the program, I learned about how African wild cats hunted--how lions are built for strength and not speed, how cheetahs are some of the most elegant killers in the world, and how leopards have such strong neck muscles that they can carry prey three times their weight up a tree. I learned of the termites' greatest enemy--ants (yeah, that surprised me), and how zebras and gazelles survive on the savannah. Fascinating stuff. That program, coupled with the fact that I just went to the zoo yesterday rekindled my childhood interest in animals. I used to be obsessed with animals, reading everything I could about them and watching Nature programs on how animals lived. I dreamt of becoming a zoologist or a veterinarian and now I wonder why I didn't. I remember liking animals when I was a kid and not liking people. Now I'm in training to work in a field of human services, not animal services. I wonder how that came to be...

Then I suddenly remembered--mysophobia. I had an irrational fear of filth and feces and the germs they could transmit. I knew that if I ever became an animal scientist, then I would inevitably have to work with animal feces and that did not seem all too pleasing to me. Also, a lot of animals could bite or sting or overpower people, and I was in no position to stand up to them. I also had a disproportionate fear of pain.

Wow, Huy was right: I'm a wimp. No wonder I chickened out and became a "people" person. I can't stand the pressure, the fear. Not that being a social worker doesn't have its risks, but it's less likely I'll be bitten, stung, overpowered, or pooped on. Unless I'm working with kids. Or those losing control of their bodily functions. Or with violent, psychotic folks. Or drug users. Oh dear, am I in the wrong major?

Oct. 6, 2012

My aunt took me to the zoo today! We went to the Philadelphia Zoo, which she informed me, was the first zoo in America. I was in awe as I strolled around the walkways, gawking at the oldest menagerie establishment in the US. It was pretty cool. I went with her younger children, and it made the experience. I think going to the zoo is so fun when you're a child and it was nice to be able to see it through their eyes, to see them interact with the animals and participate on all the rides. I joined in on some rides too. I got to ride a camel and a large white horse. The camel was bumpy and hard. It didn't have much cushioning for sensitive human bottoms. I wonder how people ride these animals for hours across the desert. That's what those cushions and pillows are for, I suppose, to help with the bumpiness. I was excited about riding the horse, however. I've always wanted to ride a horse and now was my chance. Granted that I didn't do anything other than sit there while a trainer walked the animal around, I still relished every minute. I hope that I can learn to ride a horse on my own someday.

We went through many other exhibits as well--barnyard animals, an aviary, the reptile house, and even a special building for nocturnal animals. I met the smallest monkey in the world--the pygmy marmoset and stood inches away from the green anaconda, the longest snake in the world. I also found out that a fifteen-foot king cobra can raise about a third of its body into the air. Seeing as how that's around five feet, a king cobra could look me right in the eye if it wanted. Now that's intimidating.

While the zoo was fun, I was relieved when we left. I don't see how my aunt does it, just toting her kids around from exhibit to exhibit, exhausting every ride, touring every building, and taking advantage of feeding opportunities. It's exhausting. She acts as if going to the zoo is a grand opportunity that she will only get this once so she wants to do everything. In reality, she has season passes to the zoo and makes her kids go with her every month so it's definitely not the last time she'll be there. I wonder if any other mothers are like this...

After the zoo, the family met up to eat at a Chinese buffet. I don't see how they can eat so much food! I can barely stomach two plates of food while I sit there watching them go back for fifth and sixth plates. It's astounding. They kept urging me to eat more and to go back for more food, but I just couldn't stomach it. However, I am glad that I got to try the chocolate fountain. People can come over to the dessert bar and there will be these fruits on sticks, mostly strawberries and pineapples. Then they can take a fruit stick and dip it into a fountain that had running liquid chocolate. It was beautiful. I could only eat one strawberry and one pineapple, but one of my cousins ate twenty chocolate-coated fruit sticks! Wow, they have a healthy appetite. And they're all skinny, too! I don't see how they do it!

Oct. 5, 2012

My internship agency is closed this Monday so I decided to drive out and visit my uncle and his family for this long weekend. I got a bit lost looking for his house, but I got there safely. When I arrived, I was shocked and overwhelmed. Dear Lord, his house is big. It’s like…a mansion.

Well, I  grew up working-class so any big house seems like a mansion. But seriously, his large, brick house is very upper-class. It has a long walkway flanked by two stone lions. There is a double-ended staircase and multiple sun rooms off to the side. One room serves as a study and the other as a playroom for his youngest child. There is an upright piano in one room and two dining rooms for the family. The basement has an exercise room and a home theater with a projector. Eight people live here—my uncle and his wife, their four children, and two grandparents. Plus me equals nine for the weekend. I’m in for a good time.

These are my thoughts as I’m climbing into bed: I’m tired and tense and…this is a REALLY NICE BED. Wow. I lie there enjoying the plushness and softness and airiness and…then half an hour, I’m sound asleep. Good night, everyone.

Oct. 4, 2012

I was walking to my internship today, toting my backpack, my huge lunch, and an umbrella. I felt like a pack mule, but the sunrise was so breath-taking that it made up for it. The weather was nice, too. Bright but not blinding. Breezy and not baleful. Sky-lit and not stormy. Nice. I thank God for moments like this, even if my back is breaking. 

Note to self: Get a massage.

Oct. 3, 2012

I was walking home when I caught a sudden whiff of something that smelled strongly of fragrant soap. I inhaled deeply, the scent reminding me of rain-washed forests and Irish washerwomen. Ahhh, wonderful. I’m just being accosted by good smells today.

Later, I was making dinner when I tried some of my cooking and a strangely familiar taste caught me off-guard. It was so…rich and aromatic, like seasoned beef and deep Brazilian nuts and spices from deep underground. Wow, what a plethora (I love that word, don’t you?) of smells. I hope I have more experiences like this.

Oct. 2, 2012

My roommate offered to drive me to school this morning. “Is it going to rain?” I asked her. We looked outside. The sky wasn’t raining, but it threatened to rain. “I’ll walk to school,” I told her. “I’ll just bring any umbrella.”

Boy was I glad I did. It didn’t rain on the way to school, but it rained for my entire walk home. Also, I ended up lending my umbrella to a friend during lunch break. She didn’t want to take it at first. 

“It’s raining,” she moaned. 

“Here, take my umbrella. You can just give it back to me later.” 

“Won’t you need it?”

 “Naw, I’m just going over there for lunch,” I said, pointing to a building nearby. “You have to go across the street so take my umbrella.” 

“No, it’s okay.”

 “We meet in the next class, woman!” 

Pause. 

“Okay. All right,” she said, taking the umbrella. 

 When we met again in the next class, she shook out the umbrella and said, “Thank you so much. Your umbrella saved me.”  

In other news, I made a new friend today. I went into the lounge, my usual place to eat lunch, and scanned the room for anyone I knew. One of my classmates sitting by herself at the round table in the corner; here was my chance. 

“Hello, may I sit with you?” 

“Of course,” she said, pulling out a seat. 

“Don’t you usually sit with Julie and the others?” I asked, confused about why she was alone today. 

“They only go to school on Wednesday,” she told me. Then, lowering her voice like it was a secret, she said, “They go to school part-time.”

We ended up chatting and playing a game called Seven Little Words on her laptop. Before we parted ways to go to class, she said, “You’re playing this tomorrow, too.” I smiled and left.

In class, I gave a presentation. As usual, I became nervous. Despite all of my conscious efforts to talk slowly, I rushed through the presentation, revealed a lot more than I had intended, and ran over my allotted time. Luckily, my teacher did not seem to mind and let me go on. The class seemed engaged…I think? Or maybe that was just my wishful thinking…