Letting go

I need to let go. I just noticed that all of the songs I'm practicing this summer have been sad songs--"The Scientist", "To Zanarkand". They have this melancholy, thoughtful, and heartbreaking sound to them. They make me think of ------. They make me think of love. I need to let go.

I asked John if he thought "Elephant Love Medley" was a happy song. He didn't remember which song it was at first and I told him that it was the song from Moulin Rouge. He said that it COULD be a happy song. I suppose it is one. Once I finish "The Scientist" and "To Zanarkand", I should just play "Elephant Love Medley"...and more happy songs.

I've been listening to "Simple and Clean" a lot. I adore this song but it's starting not to ring true with me anymore. At first I took this as a good sign. I've always thought that it was a song about being too young to understand being in love and that was why I thought it related to me--too young to know anything. Then, when I found that I was relating to it less and less, I was excited by thinking that maybe I was understanding it a little better. I guess I'm not understanding anything. Maybe I'm relating to it less because the song seems to be about love and my life is telling me I should give up on it. Seriously, it's NOT going to happen. So why try? It's my time to go. It's BEEN my time to go, but I just...some part of me keeps wanting to hold on, to hope, and to search. That leads back to the question: What if there's nothing to find? What if I search all my life to find that there is nothing on the other side of the rainbow? I could run through the rainstorm all my life only to find that there is nothing waiting at the other end except more rain. The final rain.

I wonder if I'll cry when I die. Or maybe I'll cry happy tears? Happy that it's finally over. Happy that even if there was nothing to find, at least it's over, all over. And I'll be happy.

For now, let's focus on the positive.

Good night,

Lan Chi T. Pham