Terrible Pancakes

I've been arriving for work 50 minutes early recently, on account of taking the bus to work since I can't drive my car. Since I'm at work so early, I go to the dining hall and buy breakfast there. It's not too expensive and it's conveniently located near the office where I work. Yesterday, I bought an egg and cheese sandwich and it wasn't so bad. If it were me making the sandwich, I would have toasted the bread bun and made less eggs, but it was passing overall. Today, however, I ordered pancakes and was really excited to eat them...until I put them in my mouth. The first sensation I had was of something sour there. Pancakes aren't supposed to sour! Right? The next thing was that the pancake was a flat as a...well, a pancake. It wasn't fluffy and light like the way I usually eat my pancakes. That's when I realized that the food from the dining hall wasn't actually that good and that I myself could have done better in making breakfast. I'm not a particularly good cook and even I could do better, which is saying a lot. So from now on, I'm just going to continue eating breakfast at home. I don't know if it will save me money, but it will definitely taste much better.

An Accident

I got into a car accident today. I was driving when I accidentally side-swiped a bus and my side-view mirror came off. When I talked to my counselor about it, she said that most accidents in her life are usually symbolic. It's the universe's way of telling her that she needs to slow down and look at something in her life.

"Maybe it's symbolic for you too," she tells me. "Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something in a minor way. It could have been big. It could have been disastrous, but this is the universe trying to tell you something in a small way."
I think about it for a moment. "I think you're right because I've a few minor accidents but I never have an accident in the same way. Maybe today, the universe is trying to tell me to slow down and...look again. I did learn something from it after all."

Luckily, my counselor also gave me the name and number of a good mechanic who is going to look at my car tomorrow. Meanwhile, I will wake up an hour earlier every day so I can take the bus to work. Wish me luck. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to do things a different way. We'll see. I might return to this topic later when I've something to eat and more sleep.

A Walk in the Park

I visited a friend yesterday and we made ourselves a grand dinner! I helped her to make banana bread and in return, she made me a dinner of soup and dumplings. Afterwards, we took a walk in the park and talked about life. Apparently, my friend dreams of disappearing off somewhere and having an adventure. She imagines leaving her parents a note saying that she will be gone for two or three weeks and will only contact them when she gets back. Then she wants to go hiking in the mountains or traveling through Europe. I told her that I wanted to do that, too and she was surprised. Most of her friends didn't like doing spontaneous, adventurous things, and so she felt alone in wanting to disappear on an adventure.

"I'll totally do that with you!" I tell her. And so my friend and I decide that if either of us get engaged, we are going to disappear for two or three weeks before we have to get married and settle down.

"I'll probably meet Prince Charming on the trip," my friend comments.
"You probably will. We will probably be hiking and then you twist your ankle and Prince Charming shows up to save you. Then when you tell him you're getting married, he'll be like, 'But I love you!' And then what will we do?"
"I swear that's going to happen to me. My life's been like a love movie so far."

Well, if our adventure does turn out like the movies, then I'm looking forward to it. :)

Coffeecake!

I made coffeecake! It was for a potluck dinner I was going to with some friends and since baking is my strong suit, I decided to make everyone dessert. The making and baking of it was pretty easy, but the result disappointed me a little. I expected my coffecake to turn out like one of those lavish contraptions people see in bakeries, full of texture, rich scents, and topped with confectioner's sugar. Instead it just turned out to be like regular yellow cake except for the cinnamon I sprinkled on top of it. Where did I go wrong? I followed the recipe. Was it because I didn't have enough butter? Was it because I used a cake pan instead of a bundt pan? What was it? I must know. I have written a letter to my dear friend in the South and asked for advice. She is a well-seasoned baker, especially in coffeecake (her specialty) and so I am waiting for a reply.

When Parents are Right

Related briefly to my previous post, it took me a long time to realize that whatever my parents told me when I was a child, THEY WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.

Don't you hate that?

But yes, they were. When my mother told me to drink lots of water because it would help me be healthier, I didn't listen to her and she turned out to be right. Now I drink water all the time. When I got old enough to start writing checks, my father told me to write in all capital letters because it made it easier to see and there was less confusion. I dismissed that and told him that he was just distrustful of other people. I also told him that I hoped I would never turn out to be like him. It turns out that he was right all along. Capital letters DO help and they DO lessen confusion. I know because at the office where I work, I have to go through several forms that are handwritten and when parents write in all CAPS, it does make it easier to read. Of course, now I write in all capital letters when I'm filling out forms and writing checks. When my mother told me to comb my hair before I went out in public or to straighten out my shirt whenever I stood up, I just became irritated with her and thought that she was beign too picky. Now I realize that she's right. Whenever I had trouble opening a jar, my father told me to just put a rubber band around the lid and it reinforces grip and makes it easier to open. It turns out that he was right.

How do you like that?

There are plenty of other examples of course, but these are just ones I'm listing from off the top of my head. I wonder how is it that parents turn out to be right so often. Is it their age or experience? Is it the cumulative wisdom collected over decades of living? Or is it the fact that they're parents and have to take care of a human life? Sometimes, several human lives. Is it their role and love as a parent that makes them pay attention and become teachers? Mentors? Guides? Where would we be if not for our parents?

An orphanage I suppose. Or out of the streets. Maybe living in a foster home or shuttled from person to person. Maybe dead or sold into slavery. Then again, that was a rhetorical question.

Lipstick

I got a coupon for free lipstick in the mail and after some debating, decided to use it. Matthew took me to Macy's to claim it and then I just sat around looking at the lipstick for a while. I know that it's just a tube of lipstick, but to me, it represented something.

The other day, I looked into the mirror and noticed how disheveled I looked. Have I always been this messy? I thought. Most likely yes. I thought about all those year my mother told me to take better care of my appearance and I realized (very late) that she was right. I had spent the last twenty something years of my life looking like an unkempt mess whenever I went out in public. Now all that is going to change. With this new tube of lipstick, I will vow to take better care of myself, both outside and inside.

So the next day at work, I put the lipstick on in the public bathroom. A coworker of mine saw me and asked what I was doing. "I'm trying to put on lipstick for the first time," I told her.

"Well, then, do this." She took a paper towel and taught me to fold it, put it in my mouth and then press my lips down onto it. "It gets the worst of it off," she told me.

"Will I leave a mark when I drink out of a cup?" I asked her.
"Yes, but the paper towel got the worst of it."

People out there who are trying out lipstick for the first time, let me give you a few hints:

First of all, never leave lipstick somewhere hot, like a car on a summer day. It WILL melt.

Secondly, always make sure to twist down the tube so the the lipstick is safely tucked into the bottom half of the tube before putting the lid back on. I made this mistake my second day and now my lipstick point is ruined.

Third, never blot your lipstick in front of other people. I did this in front of my boss and she freaked out. To me, I was just blotting lipstick, but all she saw was a napkin in my mouth and red stuff on it. She must have thought I was bleeding or something. Her eyes went wide. "ARE YOU OKAY?" she asked me. I laughed because I suddenly realized how I looked.

"Yes, I'm all right," I told her. "I'm just blotting lipstick."
"Oh, I thought you were crying or something."

So yes, lipstick users, be wary. Using lipstick is not as easy as it seems.

The Downtown Library

We had a freak downpour yesterday, but it ended pretty suddenly and then the sun came out. I thought the world looked so fresh and green with all the dew that I hiked up my boots and went walking. I'll go to downtown, I thought. I still haven't gotten a library card yet.

Well, let me tell you, the library was not worth it. I never thought I would say that about a library, but this one was less than appealing. The outside of the building looked proper enough. It was all stone and tall columns and engraved names over the front door. Apparently, this library was a gift from Andrew Carnegie. The inside also looked imposing and ancient, a throwback to the giant private libraries of wealthy lords and scholars. There were tall shelves of books lined in claustrophobic rows along the wood-paneled walls. Most of the shelves were so high I could not even reach the top. The lobby showed a view of the balcony on the second floor as well as more shelves of books and a black-metal railing wrought in French filigree. This library is nice, I thought to myself. After I had signed up for a library card, I went browsing through the shelves and suddenly realized how poorly everything was laid out. The shelves really WERE claustrophobic. They were so close together that I had to squeeze to get in between them (and I'm a pretty small person). The labeling was hard to understand since the letters A-B, C-D, etc. were labeled back and forth in ways that made it hard to find an author's name. I tried looking for G and somehow ended up in K. It took a little meandering to figure out the system. Lastly, I tried going to the bathroom at the library and their bathroom was run-down, with peeling paint and a scratched up floor. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a snob about bathrooms and so if I don't like a bathroom, my opinion of a place goes down the toilet, if you will. Needless to say, I will not be going back to this library. Besides, I have loads of books to read at home. What do I need to go to the library for?

Mindfulness

I'm sitting on a plane staring out at the clouds when I begin to realized that my thoughts keep crowding my head. Even though I know about the joy of living in the moment, I find it hard to be mindful for more than a few seconds at a time. Now even that long. I can live in the present for just a fleeting moment before my thoughts take over again. When did this start happening?

I have a flashback to the sixth grade. It is a school day and I'm standing in the schoolyard before class begins. Everyone is crowded on the blacktop, chattering away until the first bell. I try making conversation with one group, but no one listens to anything I say. As a matter of fact, it seems that no one has noticed I said anything at all. This realization makes me feel lonely, ignored, and invalidated. I zone out at once, blocking out all the feelings.

I'm sure that the sixth grade was not where it started, but it's the flashbulb memory. It's one of the distinct times I remember retreating into my head instead of facing reality. Hence, this is how I learned to NOT live in the moment. Now that I'm older, I have to re-train myself to face reality, face all of my emotions--the good and the bad. It's like I've said many times before--I want to become better at feeling, and not just feel better, regardless of whether the emotion brings me joy peace, or pain. This is especially important given that for at least twelve years of my life, I've been blocking out my emotions and settling into this emotionally numb state where I don't feel anything. Maybe it's time to stop feeling dead inside.

Bangs

I got my bangs cut! Now I don't have to be bothered by long bangs slipping out of my hairtie and tickling my nose or irritating my face. My nose, especially, is very prone to becoming itched by hair so now my bangs just sit on my eyebrows instead of hanging down to my schnozzle. Truthfully, I should have gotten them cut a long time ago, but I was too much of a cheapskate. Now that I have a job, I can afford to do more upkeep.

Seriosuly, though, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I can now tilt my head forward without something being in my way. It really IS the little things that make a difference. I wonder what else bothers me and I haven't done anything about it...

New iPod

I got a new iPod! It's all nice and shiny and silver. It's used, of course, but gently so, and it still works pretty well. Now all I have to do is figure out how to put music on it...

Worry My Life Away

I was driving to work when the radio played a song with a nice guitar riff. After a few moments of listening, I said, "Is this Jason Mraz?" Indeed it was. It was one of his earliest hits, "The Remedy." There was a part in the song, however, that kept repeating, "I...won't worry my life away," and I thought, That fits me so perfectly. That's what I do: I WORRY MY LIFE AWAY. I spend so much time worrying and somehow, I think that it makes things better. I feel like I owe to the world somehow, like I owe it to myself and the people I love. I feel as if thinking of the worst possible scenario for everything somehow makes me more prepared for it. But it doesn't. It just makes me feel stressed out and helpless. It gets in the way of my enjoying life at all.

I was talking to Matt over the weekend; both he and my counselor said that I worry about things that are too far in the future. I worry about things that may never happen, or that are so far in the future, it's useless worrying about it now. So why do I do it? Does it really help me in any way? No. It just causes lots of stress and sleepless nights. So as I was talking to Matt, I said to him, "You're right. I worry too much. I'm going to stop worrying right...NOW." And I did. I just let it all go. Don't get me wrong, I will still continue to worry sometimes. I will slip back into old habits, but as soon as I catch myself, I'm just going to shrug and let it go. I refuse to worry my life away. I refuse.

Frazzled

Today was the busiest day at work I've had so far. From the time I started working, I was always running around doing something. I was so busy that my boss didn't even have to assign me any tasks. I just worked and worked until it was almost time to go home. My boss must have noticed because at one point, she said to me, out of the blue: "You must be doing a lot of meditation tonight." I looked up from the papers I was organizing, my hair in disarray and my eyes bloodshot. "Why do you say that?" I asked, curious.

"You seem...frazzled."
"Frazzled...frazzled is a good word for it."
"Look, the things you're doing...it's not that important."
I raised both eyebrows.
"Okay, it IS important, but it's nothing that can't be done tomorrow. When you go home today, relax. Meditate."
"I think I'll go home and have a nice long soak in the bathtub."
"Good. That's good."

And that's what I did. Well, sort of. I did go home and take a bath, but it wasn't a very long bath. First of all, I didn't even fill the tub all the way up with water. I was too anxious for that. I mean, water is included in my rent so I don't have to worry how much I use up, but I kept thinking, What if I'm wasting water? What if I use up all the hot water and later my roommates can't take a bath? So I lied there, stretched out in the bathtub in about four inches of water and just...grew more and more paranoid. I then thought to myself, Can I not enjoy baths anymore? That's when I knew that I had become an adult, when I had to worry about something other than my own pleasure and wants. Or maybe that's not what being an adult is about and I'm just paranoid. On the other hand, I really like the look of my legs, they're all nice and long and shapely. I guess I don't admire my legs often enough. I suppose that's the one good thing that came out of this "half" bath. Then again, I only lied there for about five minutes before I got up and rinsed off. So much for a long soak. On the other hand, I saved some water, both for the environment and for my roommates.

.

Questions, a New Story, and the Big Picture

I went to my counselor and she told me to answer the following questions as an exercise.

What do I want?
How do I get what I want?
What if I could get it?
What if I can do all those things that I want to do?

Now let me try to answer it.

What do I want? I want to healthier. I want to be free. I want to exercise more and sleep more and relax more. I want to breathe deeply. I want to make enough money so that I don't have to worry about money. I want lots of free time. I want a job that I like which also challenges me. I want to have happy, healthy, high-quality relationships. And I'm not just talking about relationships with other people, I'm talking about relationships with myself. With nature. With my spirituality. And with my past. I just want to LIKE myself again.

How do I get what I want? That's a tough question. With an easy answer. Persistence, persistence, persistence. Never give up. If something isn't working, try something else, but remember, anything worth having is worth fighting for. And working for. And waiting for. Too many for's.

What if I could get it? I'd be on top of the world. I'd be smiling all the time, on the outside and on the inside. I'd glow. Things would come easier just because I'd believe that I can do it.

What if I can do all those things that I want to do? Well, wouldn't I be an accomplished person then? Maybe not by society's standards, but by my own. And maybe that is what's important.

Then she told me to write a new story. "You've had this story for a long time," she told me. "Now write yourself a new one." What a tall order. "I don't even know how to write a new one," I told her sadly. "I mean, I guess that even though I complain about my parents all the time, in general, they were good to me. I never did starve. I always had enough money to get by."

"There. That's all you need. You're already doing it."
"Really?" I asked, incredulous. Could it really be that easy? I always thought it had be some difficult, complicated thing. Or maybe that's just my personality, to see things as more difficult and complicated than they really are.
"It's about seeing the big picture," my counselor told me.
The big picture....what a concept. I could learn to think like that.

Future Regrets and Too Many Decisions

I was reading an article that talked about simplicity and minimalism and it mentioned a bit about how having too many decisions can lead people to a "fear of future regret." It's like having too much to choose from can make people feel like what they are going to end choosing wasn't "the best choice" or the "right one", whatever that is supposed to be. I thought it described me perfectly. I feel like the "fear of future regret" is what's driving my worry and anxiety over my future. I often worry about whether I made a good decision moving up North, or choosing social work as a major, or going to the school I chose. The fact that these are fairly major life decisions makes it even worse. Every one of those decisions was costly, especially in terms of finances.

Yet somehow I still managed to survive. I managed to stay afloat. Don't get me wrong. I still become paralyzed with the fear of future regret pretty often, but now that I have a name for it and a way to identify it, I feel like it has less power over me. I feel like I can catch myself whenever I am falling into that downward spiral of fear and anxiety, especially over money, and maybe I can re-orient myself to the present.

I mentioned these fears to my counselor and the first thing she said was that I was thinking too far into the future. I wasn't going to graduate for another year and while these concerns were real, they were not important right NOW. This goes to prove yet again how I have such difficultly living in the moment and just enjoying things as they are. Just being. A lot of the fear and worry will never come true, never come to pass, and even if they DO come true, it's nothing I can't handle. I've done so much more in the past, and I am capable to handle whatever comes to me in the future. Then why all the worry? Is it just a bad habit? Do I cling to it because it's familiar and predictable and gives me something to do? Something to occupy my mind? Perhaps it's better to spend my energy on other things. Worry gets me nowhere and if things turn out splendidly in the future, then I'm going to feel really stupid for worrying about it so much in the past.

Then other times, I wonder how my life would have been different if things had just been chosen for me. Or if I had far fewer options to choose from at all. What if I had lived two hundred years ago, where women mostly only went into two fields of work: schoolteacher or seamstress? On the one hand, I am glad that I have so many options, so much freedom and power to do what I want with my life (within reason), yet I feel that, in a way, it does cause a lot of unnecessary stress. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had chosen nursing instead. Or finance. Or engineering. Anything but what I'm doing now. Would I have been better off? Would I have made more money? Would I have liked it? Maybe. Maybe not. A part of me thinks that I wouldn't have liked it, that I wouldn't have been as happy or as satisfied as with what I'm doing now. Of course, there's no way for me to know. As of the moment, there's no time machine for me to experience my life over and over again making a different decision each time. But maybe that's for the best. Maybe that's the way life is suppose to be. I do the best with what I have and trust that it turns out well. Besides, if the statistic that people today will have five different careers over their lifetime, then maybe I will get to try all those other career paths after all!

First World Problems

I woke up late today. I couldn't find my phone charger last night and so my phone ran out of battery the night before. It was strange because my phone alarm clock usually goes off regardless of whether or not it has battery power or has been shut off. This is the first time it has failed me. That was when I knew that I had to stop relying on my cell phone for everything, especially for things involving time. So I resolved to go buy myself a clock and a watch over the weekend. I might even go the thrift store tomorrow to buy them then.

Anyway, with only fifteen minutes to prepare for work, I rushed through my morning routine, got dressed, packed my lunch, and then I was on the go. I actually got to work five minutes early and I brought enough food for lunch that I ended up eating some of it for breakfast right there in the office. My boss came in at nine, but she didn't care if I was eating so I just continued chowing down on breakfast.

I also ran into my first frustration at work today as I proofed recipe cookbooks and tried to modify their formatting. Luckily, Maggie, the receptionist at the office, was celebrating her birthday today, and so everyone had a slice of her chocolate cake, including me. It was a nice reward for all that I dealt with in the morning (Wow, that sounds exactly like a first-world problem. I ate someone's else birthday cake as a reward for my frustrations in working with Microsoft Word). In either case, still a very good day. It stopped raining today and they were playing Michael Buble's "It's a Beautiful Day" on the radio when I was driving to work. It was a beautiful day. 59 degrees and sunny. I enjoyed the weather when I was taking a stroll through downtown after work.

By the time I got home, I was supposed to make dinner, but I was so tired of eating pasta (I had eaten pasta for the last three days. Again, another first-world problem), so I made myself an unhealthy bowl of sodium-laden Ramen instead. Sometimes, it's the best comfort food in the world, especially when I feel sick of every other food I have available in my fridge. It also works well in a pinch if I'm too tired or busy to cook dinner. I can see why college students eat it all the time. Well, that and it's super cheap. I am careful about how often I eat it, though, since I know it's not good for me. As for now, I'll enjoy every once in a while when I get the hankering for it. I think I'll go the local Korean grocery store tomorrow and buy more Asian groceries. I'm getting a craving for lo mein again and maybe I could try making it myself for the first time. Also, I might try making coffeecake sometime this week so watch for that post, too!

Pouring Rain

It was pouring rain on and off all day. It had started raining last evening and continued through the night. I didn't notice until the next morning that I had left all my car windows rolled down and so all four window sides of my car is damp with water. I hope it dries up and doesn't mold. I should be more careful next time. Luckily, I remembered to wear my snow boots this time...and forgot to bring an umbrella. The result being that when I ran from the parking lot of my summer camp to the office building where I work, I was soaked. My bangs were plastered to my forehead and my jeans were cold and damp. I tried drying off in the bathroom as best I could, but I was mostly still drenched. I tried lifting my knees and bracing them against the wall of the bathroom so I could dry my jeans under the hand dryer. The result was that I just ended up banging my knees into the wall and my jeans still stayed wet for several hours. I should do what other Asian girls do and just wear short shorts during rainy days. At least if rain got onto my legs that way, then it would mostly hit my skin, which dries off much more easily than denim. The work day went quickly and I left for home shortly after five. The sky was still overcast and cloudy, but I didn't think it was going to rain again soon.

I was wrong. Not ten minutes into my drive home, the sky opened up and started to drizzle. Then it started to pour. I drove slowly and carefully, relying on past experience and staying well behind the car in front of me so it would not splash rain water onto my windshield. Fortunately, I made it home safe and sound. I showered once I got home (since I was already wet) and of course, as soon as I got out of the shower, it had stopped raining and the sun was coming out. I took a chair outside to sit and read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking when I was interrupted by two neighborhood dogs who ran up to the porch and barked at me. I was immediately frightened and got up to turn to the door in case they came lunging at me.

"Grady! Sit! Heel!" I heard someone shout. A red-headed man in green shouted out to the dogs. They eventually stopped barking and ran back to him. Well, one of them ran back to him. The grey dog named Grady went to go nosing into some flowers. "Grady! Come!" the man said again and again. Grady eventually did look up and start running back to him. Halfway through, however, the dog stopped and bent his hind legs. "Aw, come on, why do you have to poop now?!" the man said. I looked on for a moment and then returned to my book, in case the dog did not want anyone to watch him poop. I tried reading more of the book, but there was leftover rainwater dripping onto the pages from the eaves above and so I gave up after a while and went back inside. Matthew and I ended up having a geeky conversation that night about what I had read, mostly involving talking about gravity using models of trains and bowling balls.

Downtown

The nice weather held so I took a walk through downtown in the morning. I never noticed how nice downtown looked. There's all these trees and cute shops. It was Sunday so there were pretty ladies in pretty dresses and high heels strolling through downtown, probably on their way to church. Plenty of people were walking outside with children and infants in strollers. I suppose there's more children here and less dogs. Usually, when I take my Sunday morning walks in New York City, there's always a lot more people walking cute dogs rather than taking walks with their children. I also stopped by the local library. I had looked it up on a map earlier and found that it was right downtown. I had probably driven past it several times without realizing that it was the library. Indeed, once I reached the library, it was this was stone building that was set back from the road and shaded by trees so it was hard to see it from the road. The library was closed on Sundays over the summer, but it was open until nine pm on the weekdays so I'll probably stop by some day after work and get myself a new library card. I sure am going to miss my old library however. It was beautiful and had that giant skylight over the main area. I wonder if this library is nice, too.

The rest of the day was spent cleaning out more of the kitchen--kitchen utensils this time--and talking to my new roommate, Tefla. She is half-Kuwaiti and half-Egyptian. She speaks fluent Arabic and wears black most of the time. I also noticed that she wore a headscarf whenever she went in public but not when she was at home. As a matter of fact, when she was at home, she dressed in a tank top and took off her headscarf, opting to pin her hair back with a giant fluffy pin instead. She's really pretty, too, all olive skin, slim figure, and large eyes. We talked for a long time while eating dinner, mostly about our home countries and different languages. Apparently, Tefla came to America on a scholarship and, in return, she is supposed to go back to her home country and teach for a few years. I wish I could have gotten a deal like that. I would love to have a scholarship to go to school and then go to Vietnam to teach for a few years. Maybe I'll get to do that one day.

Deceptively Neat

I was putting away things in my new apartment when I realized that my house was what I would call "deceptively neat." When my landlady first showed me the house, I thought that it was pretty tidy and spacious, only a lot of books everywhere, but that definitely was not a minus for me since I loved books. It was until I moved into the apartment and started opening doors to put things away that I realized why it looked so neat: everything extraneous--junk, plastic bags, extra books and kitchen wares were shoved behind those closed doors. The kitchen was the worse. The lower cabinets, while spacious were piled high with a disarray of kitchen tools, utensils, and cookware. I decided to take everything out, and organize it when I noticed some small brown pellets on the bottom of the cabinets. "Aw hell no," I said softly. They were either dead bugs or rodent poop. Upon closer inspection, the pellets did not have wings, antenna, legs, or shell casings so I deduced that it must be rodent poop. I called both my landlady and Matthew to ask them what I should do about it. The landlady said that I could clean it out if I wanted to and Matthew agreed. He just recommended that I wear gloves and disinfect the area with bleach as well. So I did. I spent the next four hours sweeping out the rodent poop, then washing and organizing all of the kitchen things. After I finished, I thought, it's a nice day outside. Why don't I enjoy it? So I took a chair out onto my front porch and just sat there, doing nothing but enjoying the weather and watching the neighbors play Frisbee. I should do this more often, I thought. I won't get the chance once the school year starts. And do you know how glorious it was to just sit there doing nothing? I hadn't done that in years! The weather was very nice, too so that helped, but it was also soothing to just sit there and BE. Not DO anything, but just to be. I think I'll make this a routine.

Moving Day!

It was Moving Day and I was stoked! I loved moving to new places! At least most of the time. It was Friday so I was supposed to work until six pm, but luckily, my boss let me off an hour early so I drove over to my new place to unload things I had already loaded into the trunk the night before. I was drenched with sweat by the time I finished unloading the few boxes, bags, and bin I had stowed into the trunk and backseat. After that, I drove home and ate dinner before picking up Matt. He ate a quick dinner at a Chinese take-out food restaurant while I watched Pixar's Up on television. Matt watched some parts of it, but he didn't want to watch the eight minute montage because he said it would make him too sad. I could suddenly understand why he said that, he was afraid that was going to happen to us. I suddenly started to tear up because I realized how much he loved me and how afraid he was to lose me.

But after dinner, we went to move the rest of my stuff. We tried to buy string to tie my mattress to the roof of my car and move it, but we couldn't find any that were strong enough and most stores were closed by then anyway. I started to become really stressed and worried and I babbled a lot. Matt began to get annoyed and asked me to stop worrying. "But I feel like it's helping me think," I said, although a part of me knew that he was right and that I was worrying too much. We decided to give up on the string and we had a long talk instead. I told him about all of my fear and self-doubt and why I worried so much. He said that he used to worry about his future a lot, too. He would oscillate between thinking he was on top of the world to being racked with self-doubt about his future. Matt said that he stabilized once he started working and that he believed I would reach that point someday too. I agreed with him, saying that I know I would reach that point one day, it's just that right now, I'm still wading in a lot of fear and self-doubt. "I can't wait to be where you are in life," I told him. "One day, you will be," he replied. I hope he's right. Wait a minute, I know he's right and if I just work hard for another year, I can finish my degree and finally start my life. For now, however, I have to move house.

Allergic Reaction

I was packing up some more things when I realized that I was itching pretty badly. My scalp was itching, my collarbone was itching. Even the tops of my ears were itching and they NEVER itch. What was going on? It wasn't until itchy rashes formed on my arms and a red patch the size of Guatemala spread over my collarbone that I thought to myself, I'm having an allergic reaction. But to what? I didn't eat anything today that I hadn't eaten before. I had some brown rice and spinach and shrimp for dinner--things I've been eating for years. Then I had a peanut butter cookie, too, but why am I itching? I had rice and spinach for lunch and I didn't itch then so it wasn't that. I also had a peanut butter cookie yesterday and nothing happened. Could it be the shrimp? Or did I suddenly develop an allergy to peanut butter? In either case, I was too frenzied to figure it out right then. The itching was getting worse and spreading all over my body. I asked my roommates for allergy medicine, and Christina gave me a Claritin-D pill. It was supposed to strong, but half an hour after I drank it, I was still itching and it was getting worse. Finally, my roommate Nava had to drive me to the pharmacy to buy Benadryl. I had already called Matt earlier to ask what I should do about an allergic reaction and he suggested Benadryl. No one in the house had any, however, and so I bought some at the pharmacy instead. Nava also called her father, who is a doctor, and he said that Benadryl should be fine for me. I took it and the itching went away by the time Nava had driven me home. In an hour the rash had disappeared, too, although I started to get very sleepy. Drugged sleepy, anyway. Matt had warned me that this would happen. Luckily, I had done most of my packing by then already, and could go to sleep. I did, however, give Nava a free bottle of laundry detergent for "saving my life" as I called it. She had wanted to buy laundry detergent when we were at the pharmacy but I told her that I got a free bottle from the grocery store so I'll just give her that. She, of course, took it gratefully and said that it was the Benadryl that saved my life, not her. All the same, I'm glad I was able to repay her in some way. Now all that's left is to figure out if it's the shrimp or the peanut butter...

Packing

I was packing to move house when I realized: I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH STUFF. And this is coming from a minimalist. For example, I have a bottle of hospital shampoo from when I had stomach surgery four years ago. FOUR years ago! I have a iPod station even though I lost my iPod at the gym a year ago. I keep thinking to myself that I'm going to get another iPod someday, but am I ever really going to do that? You know what? Maybe I will! I'll save up money for an iPod so I can have music and use my iPod docking station. And I'll use that shampoo! As soon as the one I have right now runs out...

But seriously, I want to go through all of my stuff and give things away. I mean, do I really need eight wine glasses?! I don't even drink wine! And I never have friends over for a wine-tasting party! Besides, I might end up breaking them, considering how klutzy I am and how many glass things I've accidentally shattered. And these towels! Why do I need five towels and a butterfly beach towel? I haven't been to the beach in years! And am I really going to use all five towels at any point in time?

It's time for these things to go. Or for me to use some of the things. It's time to simplify, simplify, simplify. From now on, I'm packing lighter and feeling better about it.

Trust Issues...again

I was talking with Matt and I realized that once again, I'm having trust issues. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my decisions. I don't trust my future. Sometimes, I wonder if moving up North was a good idea. It definitely wasn't a good idea financially, but part of me wanted a change of scenery, even if it was costly. Then again, I am thrown into doubt time and time again over whether I should have "stayed home." Or whether I should have chosen a different major. Or whether I should have gone to a different school. I know that it's too late to change my decisions now and that it would be easier to just accept that, but I can't help but lament over the decisions I've made. "If only this and if only that." I'm still stuck living in the past. And therefore, worrying about the future. Even though I keep reminding myself to trust, it's just not in my nature. My trust has been broken so many times. Aside from that, I've perceived myself to have made too many bad decisions to trust myself now. Sometimes, I wish someone had given me just a glimpse of what my future would have been like, just a glimpse, and so it could help me choose more wisely. I suppose that's not the point, however. Maybe there's a good reason why so very few people can see the future. Maybe seeing the future would have made us even more indecisive, even more stressed. Instead, we have to do the best with what we have and hope it turns out all right. I just wished I believed in myself more. I wish my parents had believed in me more. I also wished I had been better-looking, smarter, and could read faster. All these wishes. All this highlighting of the things I'm not. Maybe it's time I stopped that. If no one else is going to believe in me, then maybe I should start believing in myself. But how do you even start doing that? Especially after 20+ years of bad decisions and self-doubt?

Sibling Relationship

My brother was talking to me on Skype and said that he wanted to hang out again. He said he saw other siblings hanging out together and thought, "Man, I don't have that." In other words, he wants a sibling relationship with me again, like we're friends. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel about that. In some ways, I do miss my brother. I remember our talks and the times we laughed. Then again, my brother and I are so different that I don't know what we would do even if we did hang out. He mentioned this, too. "I know you and I don't have the same interests, but..." his voice trailed off. I agree with that. My brother and I are like night and day. He likes watching sports games, mostly basketball and American football. He likes going to clubs and drinking and singing karaoke while tipsy. He likes staying out all night and driving recklessly. I'm the opposite of that. I like to do quiet, solitary things: reading, a walk outside, meditation. Even when I'm being social, I just sit around and talk with people or we play board games. No real clubbing, partying, drinking, or staying out all night. If anything, I go to sleep at a reasonable time every night and get up at seven in the morning. What WOULD we do together? Maybe I could watch sports with him? I suppose we could watch a movie. That's something we still like to do together. Or go eat out at a nice restaurant. Sometimes, when I'm hanging out with my brother, I'm just spending time with him and his friends, observing and not really having much to say. I'm too socially awkward for that. And I'm sure my brother isn't too interested in doing what I like to do. I also think that he might be uncomfortable around some of my friends since they are LGBT. He doesn't usually mention my friends very much, I suppose, and I don't talk about them often. I never really know what he thinks of them. Or me. Good grief, what ARE we going to do if we hang out? I suppose I'll find out over winter break. We'll think of something.