Farewells

Well, this is it, everyone. I'm leaving this blog. Personally, I think I should spend less time on the internet and my breakup was a good catalyst for this. It has been a good few years, and I have learned much insight in blogging. Now I think it's time I learn how to gain insight offline. Farewell, everyone!

Getting better at reaching happy mediums

Holy Crap, it has been over 24 hours since my breakup and I have not deactivated my facebook or deleted this blog. I haven't lashed out at anyone or withdrawn into my shell. I didn't stay in bed all day instead of going to work. I got up early, ate breakfast, and even practiced piano before I went to my summer job. While I was at work, I actually asked people for help instead of burying myself into my work in order to escape unpleasant emotions. I haven't deleted my ex's number from my phone, but I haven't sent him endless calls and messages, either. I only sent him one message saying good night and that I hope he had a good day. Was that too much? Maybe. In either case, I'm getting much better at having rational reactions to life events. I know how to reach a happy medium instead of swinging to extremes. Do you know what this means?! I'm getting better, people! I'm getting better! I'm learning to be in the middle of my emotions instead of trying to avoid them all the time. I'm learning to be normal instead of being weird! Maybe in ten years time *gasp* I can actually BE A NORMAL PERSON. Wish me luck, everyone. And keep reading. I'm moving on up in the world. :)

Breakup

Matthew and I just broke up last night. I don't know how to feel.

Mis-read

You ever have one of those experiences where you're looking at something and you read one letter off and the entire meaning changes? I had one of those experiences today. I was in the check-out line of the grocery store looking at the Reader's Digest magazine on the rack. There was a title in the corner that read "Heroes who make the world more fun." I read the "o" as a "p" and thought it said, "Herpes who make the world more fun." I started to laugh. When it was my turn, the cashier asked in a bland, automatic way, "How you doing?"  I responded with, "I'm feeling GREAT." She looked up for scanning my groceries and saw the stupid grin on my face. That made her grin, too. When I was done, she handed me my receipt, smiled, and said, "Have a great day."

"You too!" I said, positively beaming at her. I'm sure she thought I was high or on drugs or something.

Generation X

I was talking to my counselor when she told me about how she was doing research on the Millenials, also known as "Generation X". She told me that this generation consisted of people born between 1980 and 2005. They were even larger in number than the baby boom generation and they were shaking things up. This cohort was going to go out there and change the world. She told me that the research she had read talked about how the Generation X cohort sought to be authentic, were more socially conscious, and negotiated things. They wanted to wear jeans to work and negotiated their salaries. Some were part of the Boomerang Generation who would return home after college was over or they couldn't find a job. I agreed with her even though I was surprised by the facts she told me. Later on, I said, "Do you know the phrase 'Faint heart never won fair lady'? Well, in my generation, it's 'Faint heart never won fair wages.' " She laughed.

Negotiation

Today, my counselor and I talked about negotiation. It all started when I told her about an incident in which I had trouble telling Matthew what I wanted to eat for dinner. He suggested something and I just went with it. I actually wanted to eat something else, but I was too afraid to rock the boat or to contradict him. I had this mentality that "Beggars couldn't be choosers" and since he was already buying me dinner, then I should be thankful with whatever I received. But then Matthew just got frustrated because I didn't tell him what I wanted.

Why was I so afraid? I talked it over with my counselor and we delved deeper. Apparently, my relationship with Matthew strongly reminded me of my relationship with my parents. He was always paying for me and providing for me. I called on him when I needed help or when I needed to fix something. I felt like he had so much more power and knowledge, so much more wealth and experience. While that wasn't a bad thing, it prevented me from seeing myself as an equal to him and therefore, I felt anxious voicing my opinions. I did not feel equal to him and since I felt like he gave me everything, then I should just accept that with gratefulness.

"But there's more options here," my counselor had said. "You can negotiate." That was a novel concept to me. I did not grow up seeing anyone negotiate anything. My parents only demanded things. They demanded things from their children, from each other, and from themselves. They never negotiated anything and so I never even knew that was an option.

"Try it," my counselor urged. I told her that I would. The next time someone offers me something, I am going to negotiate so we can both get something out of it. It doesn't always have to be a "my way or the highway" type of thing. Even highways have exits. Maybe it's time I took one.

Hello Kitty and Stereotypes

I was riding in the car with a few of my friends when I noticed a Hello Kitty sticker on the car next to me. "Hello Kitty!" I exclaimed. I looked for the driver, meaning to tell her (I assumed it was a female) that I really liked her sticker. Boy was I in for a surprise. The person driving the car was not the young Asian femal that I had imagined, but a fifty-year-old white man. My jaw dropped. How was this possible? I thought. Maybe the car belonged to his daughter or a friend or something? Then I realized that I was being stereotypical and that not only young Asian women liked Hello Kitty. Who knows? Maybe it WAS his sticker. Maybe he likes Hello Kitty or maybe he thought it was cute. There's no need to justify by making up reasons why it was there. That's when I began to question what else I stereotyped. Did I expect giant pick-up trucks with flames painted on the side to be driven by hulking white men? Yes. Did I expect that only girls would like Hello Kitty? Yes. Did I imagine that fifty-year-old white males to only have sensible cars that had no cutesy stickers on them. Probably yes. Well, maybe it's time to let go of the stereotypes and just let people be. I mean, I don't fit the stereotype of most  girls. I don't like going to the mall. Or gossip. Or whatever it is girls are supposed to like. On the other hand, I do like spiders. And spider webs. I like rodents. And playing in the mud. I prefer food shopping or shoe shopping and I would rather watch action/adventure movies than romantic comedies. I like all kinds of things that girls aren't "supposed" to like. So if I don't fit the mold, then why should I fit other people into molds? By the way, I'm also fascinated (and repulsed) by mold.