Yes and No

I was talking to my friends today about my submissive personality and I realize two things: first of all, if I have been talking about it for four years and still have not come to a decision, then either I'm making a big deal out of a small thing or I must not be trying hard enough. Second of all, I say no to myself and yes to everyone else too much. I need to find that balance. Gahhhh! Finding a balance is what is driving me crazy. How do you balance being nice and being assertive? How do you say no without feeling guilty? And how do you say yes without being a sycophant? And tact. Tact is another thing I will really have to work on. Today, I got another chance to be assertive. My friend Ben asked me if I wanted to play Magic (the trading card game) with him. I didn't want to, but I needed a way to get out of it without a direct "No." I thought about it from the other point of view. What if I really wanted Ben to play Magic with me but he didn't want to? How would I like a response of "no"? And therein lies my mistake. I need to think of things less from the other point of view. It makes me too vulnerable to just giving in. Because for me, it is usually so much easier to just give in, to say yes, and do whatever anyone wants. Saying no or dissenting leads to conflict, anger, resentment, hurt feelings, or passive-aggressiveness. If not external conflict, it leads to internal conflict for me. If I say yes, then I later berate myself for being submissive, but if I say no, then I risk sounding mean. Then I thought that I could just say, "No, I don't feel like it" and try to say as gently as possible. See, I shouldn't think of things from the other point of view too much because I would be way too sensitive to take a "no". Therefore, I fall prey to the false consensus effect and I think that everyone else is just as sensitive as me so I think it is much easier to give in and do what someone wants than to risk hurting someone's feelings or inducing conflict. Of course, there are some principles I will not budge on. I will not be bullied or peer pressured into getting drunk, to having sex, or to compromise my morals. But the little things is where I can't say "no". Don't get me wrong, giving in every once in a while is fine, but I do it too often and it eventually builds up. I tried saying "no" a few times over the past four years but my friends end up either pleading or persuading me to do what they want anyway. See, if they just accepted my "no" the first time, it would be easier on me and make me more confident to say "no" the next time. But they always win with their "persuasion" so I end up doing what they want and I feel my confidence being even more undermined than it is already. (I use "persuasion" because they didn't like the connotation of "peer pressure. Ironically, this is another way I might be bending to their will...Either that or I define "peer pressure" differently than they do.)

Well, back to the Ben and magic thing, I didn't have to answer because Craig wanted to go home so I wouldn't have had to play Magic anyway. But what would have happened if I had been forced to answer? Would I have said no? Or would I have said, "Sure" and gotten my deck ready while I was grinding my teeth and hating myself? I don't know. And yes, I know I am making a big deal out of a simple question but it's the questions like those that test whether I act assertive or submissive. What if I run into more situations where my friends want to do something which I don't want to do? What if they want to stay out late? What if they want to play DDR or have an entire night of playing Magic? But if I already don't like doing some of the stuff they do and I keep saying no, I just miss out on more time with them. Or I sit out and make them feel bad because they feel as if they are "leaving me out". Sometimes, it's thoughts like these that make me think that I'm not really meant to be a social person or to have friends. Part of this is because I've been alone so long that I have cultivated solitary interests. Another part is because I really don't have that much in common with other people. I don't drink. I don't stay out late. I'm not much interested in having a romantic relationship. I'm not interested in sex. I'm not interested in loud music. Or concerts. Or crowds. Or other people. I'm. Just. Weird. And this makes me want to be alone even more because then I wouldn't have to pretend I like something. I wouldn't have to force myself to stay up late. I wouldn't have to do things that bring up bad memories which I've worked so hard to bury. I wouldn't have to eat out. Basically, I wouldn't be forced to LIVE LIFE.

My father was right. I don't usually say that my father is right but here is why. A few years ago, (I think I was around 14 years old at the time), my father and I were sitting at the kitchen table talking about my personality. He gets a lot of things about me wrong, but he was surprisingly insightful this one time. And with only one sentence. He said that I was a free spirit. And I was. I AM a free spirit. He said that I was meant to be out there in the world, but I was just so cooped up in the house for so long that now when I have freedom, I don't know what to do with it. That's when I thought: "I've been looking at life through a screen door for too long." I use the metaphor of a screen door because of what it represents. It's a divisor between two worlds: the outdoors and the indoors. While it is a physical divisor, it still has a screen in which one can look out and see the world. It lets in air and oxygen. It lets in sunlight and cold. But it still divides. And I also use the metaphor of a screen door as a symbol for my personality. My fear. While a screen door is pretty easy to push open and step outside...I never have. While it would be so easy to just push open the door, enter the "outside world" and live my life, I don't. I stand there content to watch the world go by. I watch through the screen, but I don't push the door open. I spent so many of my grade school years shunning the outside world, shunning friends and the accompanying social life that now...I don't know what to do when I have friends. I don't how to interact with them. And I use the same model with them that I use with my parents: submissiveness. With my parents, it was always so much easier to give in and do what they say. I didn't win arguments with them. There WAS NO DISSENSION IN THE RANKS. If anything, arguing, talking back, or just simply saying no got me yelled at even more. It got me in trouble. It got me ten lashings instead of two. And now it's carried over into my friendships.

"Lan Chi, get me a napkin." "Yes. Okay. Right away."
"Lan Chi, let's hang out. Lan Chi, let's stay up late. Lan Chi, let's go out to eat."

And all I want to say to that is, "No, I have homework to do." Or "No, I want to go to sleep." Or "No, I don't like to eat out." Or simply, "No thank you. I just want to be alone."

But if I say that too often, I just risk sounding aloof. Or that I'm constantly making up excuses not to do something. And other times, it sound outright mean and unsociable. So instead I say "yes, sure, whatever you want."

And I hate myself for that. But where's the balance? When is it okay to say yes and appropriate to say no? When and where and how?

And maybe I'll figure it out someday. And maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just go to my grave still wondering. But for right now, I need to sleep. Good night.

Of birthdays and gingerbread

My roommate is asleep in the next room. It's his freaking birthday right now and all he could do was groan when I knocked on his door and wished him a happy birthday. People these days. Not even being happy that it's their birthday...

Not that I'm one to talk since I hardly celebrate my own birthday...

Anyway, I looked up the recipe for gingerbread cookies because those are his favorite. I'm going to go back to my hometown this weekend, buy some ingredients and see what I can whip up. Maybe I should go all out and do gingerbread, toffee cookies, AND a cheesecake. Well...I suppose that IS sugar overload. Plus, he doesn't like sweets that much so baking all three would be going overboard. Maybe I'll do them one by one throughout the year instead.

Today was the first day of classes; everything went well. I got all the classes I wanted and I'm off to a good start for my last semester in college. I was writing about that today when I realized that today would be my LAST first day of school. It makes me sit back and reflect upon life. Mostly because of the fact that no matter how bad things seem, they always turn out better than I expect.

Here's to another great school year and lots more baking!

The Big Bang Theory

Today I was watching one of my favorite television shows, The Big Bang Theory, and my parents were nearby watching it with me. They have never seen the show before so I explained the premise to them. I said that it was about a bunch of guys who were really studious but knew nothing about socializing. My mom said, "Oh...like you?"

I acted insulted and my mom said "Okay, I'll take it back."
"My feelings are alredy hurt," I said, sounding wounded.
"Well, in that case, I'll go further."

I love my mom.