I drove home today feeling very, very depressed. I just saw my cousin yesterday all dressed up and decked out. She looked gorgeous, and I knew that I could never look like that. I knew that I would never have her wealth, her looks, or her piano-playing skills. I envied the children in the family, envied their easy, luxurious lifestyle, and how they never had to worry about money. I was so tired of being poor.
Cheer up, I told myself, you have plenty of good things, too. And besides, other people are going through much worse. That cheered me up for a little bit, but it didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep or crying on the drive home. I feel like I just have all this pent-up emotion. Like I've been trying too hard to be happy and positive that I'm completely ignoring my sad feelings, especially if the sad feelings are pointing to something wrong. That's when I realized that there may be a downside to always thinking positive, always trying to be happy and look on the bright side--people can lose their sense of comprehensive feeling. Maybe it's not always wrong to feel sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or disappointed. Maybe all those feelings have merit. Or at the very least, they provide clues, clues to the inner workings of our worlds, to our thoughts and perceptions and interpretations. At best, they could be a guide to resolve anything that hasn't been resolved, to bring attention to things that need closure.
After this revelation, I decided to follow the principle from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: I want to work on being better at feeling, and not just feeling better. I want to feel all my emotions--the good and the bad. I want to accept them and embrace them. I want to face my past and my negative thoughts and work through them. I don't want to just keep suppressing and repressing them. I don't want to just keep stuffing them into the back of mind and burying them while hoping they don't resurface.
The truth of it is, I don't think it's healthy for me. I don't think it's healthy to have to bury scars and then deal with the trauma when it surfaces. I think it's better to explore and to investigate, to probe and ask questions and figure things out. I think I need a fair amount of closure with a lot of the things that happened in my life and I would like to do it while being kind to myself, being patient and understanding. I don't want to reprimand myself for past mistakes. They can't be changed anyway so why dwell on it and rehash old sentiments? Why not work with them and settle them? Explore them and work through them? That's why I have this journal, I suppose, this blog. Part of this is to help me work through insecurities, past mistakes, and conflicting emotions. The other part is to look to the future for possible solutions, new ways of adaptation, and a brand new way of looking at things. I know that I can do this. I've already come this far.
I also read an article today that said how unresolved conflicts with parents can be transferred onto partners. I suddenly wondered if I was doing that with Matt and so I contacted him, saying that I wanted to talk to him at some point. He called me on the phone and helped me work through things. Truthfully, I was glad it I did it; talking with him helped me so much. I was having relationship insecurities and he reassured me that he loved me for so many deep and wonderful reasons. We have set a time to talk to each other and to work some things out. Hope the best for us.
Cheer up, I told myself, you have plenty of good things, too. And besides, other people are going through much worse. That cheered me up for a little bit, but it didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep or crying on the drive home. I feel like I just have all this pent-up emotion. Like I've been trying too hard to be happy and positive that I'm completely ignoring my sad feelings, especially if the sad feelings are pointing to something wrong. That's when I realized that there may be a downside to always thinking positive, always trying to be happy and look on the bright side--people can lose their sense of comprehensive feeling. Maybe it's not always wrong to feel sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or disappointed. Maybe all those feelings have merit. Or at the very least, they provide clues, clues to the inner workings of our worlds, to our thoughts and perceptions and interpretations. At best, they could be a guide to resolve anything that hasn't been resolved, to bring attention to things that need closure.
After this revelation, I decided to follow the principle from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: I want to work on being better at feeling, and not just feeling better. I want to feel all my emotions--the good and the bad. I want to accept them and embrace them. I want to face my past and my negative thoughts and work through them. I don't want to just keep suppressing and repressing them. I don't want to just keep stuffing them into the back of mind and burying them while hoping they don't resurface.
The truth of it is, I don't think it's healthy for me. I don't think it's healthy to have to bury scars and then deal with the trauma when it surfaces. I think it's better to explore and to investigate, to probe and ask questions and figure things out. I think I need a fair amount of closure with a lot of the things that happened in my life and I would like to do it while being kind to myself, being patient and understanding. I don't want to reprimand myself for past mistakes. They can't be changed anyway so why dwell on it and rehash old sentiments? Why not work with them and settle them? Explore them and work through them? That's why I have this journal, I suppose, this blog. Part of this is to help me work through insecurities, past mistakes, and conflicting emotions. The other part is to look to the future for possible solutions, new ways of adaptation, and a brand new way of looking at things. I know that I can do this. I've already come this far.
I also read an article today that said how unresolved conflicts with parents can be transferred onto partners. I suddenly wondered if I was doing that with Matt and so I contacted him, saying that I wanted to talk to him at some point. He called me on the phone and helped me work through things. Truthfully, I was glad it I did it; talking with him helped me so much. I was having relationship insecurities and he reassured me that he loved me for so many deep and wonderful reasons. We have set a time to talk to each other and to work some things out. Hope the best for us.
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