Limits and boundaries

I was talking to Matthew last week and he said that I wasn’t the kind of person who would tell others to GTFO.

I was taken aback, but then I realized that he was right—I have trouble telling people no. What’s more, this pointed to the fact that I was not good at setting boundaries and limits. The same way a practitioner should have boundaries and limits with clients or that parents should set boundaries and limits with children, I should do the same with the people in my life. After all, it’s one of the key ingredients to developing a healthy self-concept. Otherwise, I risk a maladaptive form of “fusion” in which my feelings are too tied up with the feelings of others. In cases like this, it leads to an unhealthy relationship where I let people take advantage of me…which might explain my codependent relationships with my family and friends.

Now that I’ve realized the extent of this problem, I can take steps to correct it. For example, whenever I’m in a situation where others ask something of me, I shouldn’t immediately say yes. I should stop and think of how it will impact me. Will it mean re-arranging my entire day or interfere with important things in my schedule? Will it severely inconvenience me? Better yet, how will I feel if I say yes? Will I feel like I’m being a nice, helpful person when I’m truly seething on the inside? Will it make me resentful and irritated? Will it make me hate myself more and more? Is it worth swallowing the frustration and putting on a fake smile all in the name of friendliness? Those are the important questions I need to ask myself. As strange as it sounds, sometimes I have to look out for myself as well as others. My needs should be balanced with the needs of others, not replaced by them.

Wow, my supervisor was right. I should explore my feelings more; they can really point to what’s going right and wrong within me.