Matt told me something the other day that revealed yet another part of my personality that I did not know about. He said that whenever I walk somewhere, I don't pay much attention to anything around me; I just focus on the road ahead of me.
The next time I went for a long walk, I realized that he was right. I don't pay attention to anything around me. When that realization struck me, I took my head out of the clouds and immediately sunk myself back into the present. That's when I felt a swelling of emotion bombard me, all these emotions I had forgotten about because I had suppressed them so much. That's when I realized why I zoned out whenever I went walking--it felt lonely, empty, and scary. You know, for someone who has always prided herself on emotional independence, for someone who keeps saying that she doesn't need friends, I talk about being lonely a lot.
As I explored this further, memories started to come back to me, memories of being lonely as a child. Memories of being lonely and friendless in middle school, high school came flooding back to me. Memories of being lonely in college, even amongst my friends, came back to me. Memories of being lonely now that I'm in grad school...well, those are very recent memories. Somehow, some way, I had suppressed and buried all of these feelings.
Just the other day too, I was driving with Matt and I almost hit two people--an elderly woman and a young girl. I probably would have ended up hitting them too if Matt had not kept shouting at me to watch out. This experience really shook me. That's when I realized that I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings when I was driving either. This inattention almost took two lives.
That's when I realized that I needed to change. I needed to stop living so much in my head. It was so comforting in there, so predictable...but so dangerous.
Now whenever I go walking somewhere, I pay attention. I pull myself out of my thoughts and focus on where I'm going. Whenever I drive, I turn off the radio, turn off my music, and turn off my internal monologue. Focus on driving. Focus on the road. Focus on my surroundings and the people around me. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm getting better. It may be lonely to live in the present, but it can be deadly (and unhealthy) to live in my head.
So goodbye inner thoughts. Goodbye. I'll entertain you nevermore.
The next time I went for a long walk, I realized that he was right. I don't pay attention to anything around me. When that realization struck me, I took my head out of the clouds and immediately sunk myself back into the present. That's when I felt a swelling of emotion bombard me, all these emotions I had forgotten about because I had suppressed them so much. That's when I realized why I zoned out whenever I went walking--it felt lonely, empty, and scary. You know, for someone who has always prided herself on emotional independence, for someone who keeps saying that she doesn't need friends, I talk about being lonely a lot.
As I explored this further, memories started to come back to me, memories of being lonely as a child. Memories of being lonely and friendless in middle school, high school came flooding back to me. Memories of being lonely in college, even amongst my friends, came back to me. Memories of being lonely now that I'm in grad school...well, those are very recent memories. Somehow, some way, I had suppressed and buried all of these feelings.
Just the other day too, I was driving with Matt and I almost hit two people--an elderly woman and a young girl. I probably would have ended up hitting them too if Matt had not kept shouting at me to watch out. This experience really shook me. That's when I realized that I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings when I was driving either. This inattention almost took two lives.
That's when I realized that I needed to change. I needed to stop living so much in my head. It was so comforting in there, so predictable...but so dangerous.
Now whenever I go walking somewhere, I pay attention. I pull myself out of my thoughts and focus on where I'm going. Whenever I drive, I turn off the radio, turn off my music, and turn off my internal monologue. Focus on driving. Focus on the road. Focus on my surroundings and the people around me. I'm not perfect yet, but I'm getting better. It may be lonely to live in the present, but it can be deadly (and unhealthy) to live in my head.
So goodbye inner thoughts. Goodbye. I'll entertain you nevermore.
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