Relief

I just had a talk with my future roommates and it was such a relief to know that they were okay with all of my roommate concerns. All this time, I was worried that they would hate me if I brought up anything, but they took all of it very well. Maybe I underestimate people. Or maybe I just fear people too much. Or both. Most likely both.

I should try more of this "talking it out" stuff. Now I can go to sleep with peace of mind.

Trusting oneself

I just talked to my parents today about what I should do with my future. My graduation is coming up soon and I need to decided. I told them how I considered moving back in with them and working for pay and helping them out. They said that if I decided to come back, I should do it out of love, not because I think they need me. They told me that they would always love me and want me around but I should do what's best for me. They realize that eventually, I would move out and live my own life, and they don't see any immediate need for financial assistance. My father said that he just didn't want me to stay in my college town if I was not going to school and he believed that I could find a job much easier in my hometown (which is, admittedly, more prosperous and more populated than my college town). My mother told me that if I was home with them, I could just help them out with doctor's appointments and little things--they don't need help with money. She also said that I reminded her of herself and she didn't want me to fall prey to the same flaws. These flaws include only doing what other people want or expect of her and being fearful of everything. She wanted me to learn from her past experiences so I can live my life true to myself. Good advice is there was any. Whatever decision I make, I'm going to take Craig's advice and trust myself. If the decision turns out well, then great! If it doesn't, then it's a lesson learned and I can decide on something else next year.

Some Truths

Here are some truths about me. This post came from a talk I had with Craig earlier today:

1) I can't please everyone. And I shouldn't try. I shouldn't even WANT to try.
2) I don't trust myself to make good decisions.
3) I don't KNOW how to make good decisions.
4) I second-guess myself on everything. And third-guess. And even the occasional fourth-guess.
5) I don't handle being overwhelmed very well. (Craig said this himself).
6) I don't do things to make me happy. In other words, I don't do what people want because it makes me happy. I do it so I don't feel guilty.
7) My conscience rules me. I believe in doing the right thing (like taking care of my parents in their old age) over what I want to do (which is go off and live my life).
8) Something unrelated to the things above. I could never curse someone I was in a relationship with or whom I was in love. I'm always surprised when I se other people do this.
9) Maybe the fact that I act like that is why people treat me with kids' gloves?
10) I stay on the computer until late at night because I'm afraid to go to sleep. Sleep is when I do not have anything to distract me any longer so my fears and worries rise to the surface.
11) I've only slept well twice in the past few months.
12) I think I'm heading towards a mental breakdown, a nervous breakdown, or an identity crisis. Or all three.
13) I'm too easily swayed. People really can make me do whatever they want. That scares me.

And I decided to stop there. Good night.

Movie Stores and Membership Cards

When I attain financial independence, the first thing I am buying is a membership card to a movie store. I said it. I'm not getting new clothes or makeup or killer high heels, I'm getting myself to a movie rental store. Once I have that piece of plastic in my hand, I'm going to check out Say Anything and Everybody says I love you and Brown Sugar and watch them in my free time. That, dear reader, is the real mark of my independence--to be able to check out movies so I can watch them when I want to watch them. Especially the really old films or the obscure ones that are not available at my local library. Either that or I move to the capital where I'm sure they have a library that does have pretty much every film ever made. I would love to go to a film institute one day. Just to see film title after film title and feel giddy with the notion. Tee-hee.

Roommate relationship

My roommate has a new "boyfriend." I think they're cute together.

Eating well, living well

I've been eating healthy lately. Cereal, fruits, vegetables...milk. I realize that when I eat healthy, I feel better. Or maybe I feel better because I'm eating healthy. Also, I worked out at the gym today. I'm trying to make this a routine. The better I live, the better I feel. Oh, and I also love the fact that I don't eat out anymore. It saves money and I don't end up eating fats, sugars, salts, high fructose corn syrup, and anything deep fried. It's shaping out to be a good week.

Train Station Scene

I was watching Amelie once when I remembered a scene in the train station. (By the way, Amelie is an excellent magical realism film. Try it out. You might be surprised.) It's the scene where Amelie tells Nino to be at the photo booth at 5:15 and it is there that he figures out the mystery of the "ghost." Amelie sees him scrounging around for torn, discarded photos under the booth and she tentatively walks towards him. Before she reaches him, however, a cart towing luggage passes between them and Amelie stops and turns around. She closes her eyes and stands there for a minute, looking scared and conflicted. It seems to imply that she is still afraid to face Nino and the "reality check" that he represents. Of course, by the time the luggage cart rolls by and Amelie turns around, Nino is gone and the entire train station is suddenly devoid of people.

I sat there watching that scene and thought, "That scene represents my life." The scene was a surreal reflection of how my life felt suspended in that moment. I looked at how Amelie stood there, paralyzed and forlorn, her chance gone again. I contemplated how that seemed so much like what I was doing lately. Having things pass by me and not saying a word. Not taking a chance. Not approaching and seizing the moment. I suppose the train station is symbolic, too. Maybe representative of how trains take people places and Amelie just went to this waiting station not to go anywhere physically, but to go a new direction in her life. To meet someone. Meet someone at the intersection of so many different worlds. While everyone else was rushing off to catch a train or go about their business, she was a person standing still. A solitary bird in an ocean of moving, changing tides. In the scene, it was mostly she who was still. Her and Nino. AND SHE DIDN'T END UP MEETING HIM. She didn't meet the person she set out to meet. By the time the luggage cart passes, Nino is gone. Everyone is gone except for Amelie. Another chance gone by. Another moment lost.

Okay, I am taking this too far. I am probably taking this one scene too seriously. I mean, come on. It's three seconds on a screen. What about the rest of the movie? Well, I suppose I'll have to watch it again and find out.