Here are some truths about me. This post came from a talk I had with Craig earlier today:
1) I can't please everyone. And I shouldn't try. I shouldn't even WANT to try.
2) I don't trust myself to make good decisions.
3) I don't KNOW how to make good decisions.
4) I second-guess myself on everything. And third-guess. And even the occasional fourth-guess.
5) I don't handle being overwhelmed very well. (Craig said this himself).
6) I don't do things to make me happy. In other words, I don't do what people want because it makes me happy. I do it so I don't feel guilty.
7) My conscience rules me. I believe in doing the right thing (like taking care of my parents in their old age) over what I want to do (which is go off and live my life).
8) Something unrelated to the things above. I could never curse someone I was in a relationship with or whom I was in love. I'm always surprised when I se other people do this.
9) Maybe the fact that I act like that is why people treat me with kids' gloves?
10) I stay on the computer until late at night because I'm afraid to go to sleep. Sleep is when I do not have anything to distract me any longer so my fears and worries rise to the surface.
11) I've only slept well twice in the past few months.
12) I think I'm heading towards a mental breakdown, a nervous breakdown, or an identity crisis. Or all three.
13) I'm too easily swayed. People really can make me do whatever they want. That scares me.
And I decided to stop there. Good night.
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About Me
- jumira-wings
- Hi, I'm jumira-wings, likely to be one of the strangest people you'll ever meet.
About #8--- maybe it's because you take cursing more seriously than the rest of us do? I mean, you hardly ever curse just normally, so I don't know why you'd see yourself doing it to the person with whom you're in love...
ReplyDeleteAs for the more serious stuff, we'll talk about it in person soon, hopefully...
Okay, never mind. I'm going to say this here, because I have a much better chance of phrasing my thoughts well than if I said it in person. Regardless, we're gonna need to talk about this together.
ReplyDeleteFirst, a disclaimer of sorts: the following is my OPINION. I'm NOT saying you need to agree with me; I'm not trying to push you in one way or the other... I'm just sharing my thoughts, for whatever they're worth. This is what works for me; it won't necessarily work for you, and I understand that. All I want is for you to be happy and fulfilled, and if any of the following can help you, even if it helps by making you realize how much you disagree with me, then I'll be happy.
I don't think there's anything wrong with having your conscience govern your actions; you shouldn't feel like living a hedonistic life centered around putting yourself first always is something to aspire to... sometimes making sacrifices for others is the right thing to do. But you should make these sacrifices because you actually believe it is the RIGHT thing to do, not to avoid feeling guilty.
When the main guiding principle in your life decisions is "avoid guilt at all costs..." that's actually kind of a selfish way to live. In the end, you're not giving up your wants and needs because of affection or a strong belief that you're doing the right thing; you're doing to avoid a negative self-image. You need to be on the moral high ground. You tell yourself it's because you care about other people, and in many ways it is... but that's usually not the deciding factor. You yield to people, but you do so begrudgingly. You give subtle (and some not-so-subtle) cues to the people you give up your time for that they should feel bad that you're doing this. That they forced you.
I feel like this is a disrespectful way to live. You disrespect your friends, who above all things want to see you happy, by treating them with like they wouldn't be able to handle you saying "no." But mostly you're disrespecting yourself.
I think the reason you have so much trouble making decisions; knowing what's "right," is because you fail to take into account your own right to happiness and dignity when you do your calculations. You treat yourself like your worthless; like your own happiness means nothing. But think about it: you would NEVER treat another person with as little consideration or kindness as you do yourself... but you're a person too! Why is it ok for you to treat yourself this way when you have as much human dignity and deserve as much respect as anyone else? It's like you have this identity built around putting yourself in dead last. Always. Like if you aren't serving and deferring to others, your whole world crashes down... you have to recognize this is NOT your destiny. You weren't put on this earth to be a martyr. You have your own dreams to fulfill, your own unique gifts to share with the world. You're worth more than some kind of... sacrificial lamb.
I think you really need to work on, you know... not hating yourself. The reason you feel guilt so crippling that you're forced to let it rule your life is because, in your heart of hearts, you honestly don't believe that you have a right to happiness. So when you decide to put yourself above others, even if you have perfectly good reasons, it feels just WRONG.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of the same problems that you do with these kinds of questions... when is it right to stand up for myself; when is it justified to place my needs before the needs of my friends or family?
I know that in the grand scheme of things, my life isn't worth any more than those of others'. But it isn't worth any less either. I make my decisions accordingly, trying to be as objective as possible. And, I'm not going to lie, if it's close I'll almost always err on my side... after all, I'm ultimately the only one looking out for myself. And I trust most other people are doing the same for themselves... from my perspective, this attitude keeps the score pretty even.
When confronted with decisions that pit my needs against the needs of others, these are some of the things I ask myself:
-how badly do I want this?
-how badly does the other person want it?
-am I going to hurt more than one person if I choose the "selfish" option?
-is what the person asking me to do a fair thing for them to expect of me?
-has the other person been good to me and made sacrifices for me in the past? Does s/he deserve my help?
-how much is this obligation going to conflict with my ultimate happiness or fulfillment?
When you have to make a decision like this, try to take yourself out of the equation. Ask yourself: if it was my best friend in the same situation what would I tell *him* to do?
The root problem, though, to all of your problems is a lack of self worth. You said you were going to CAPS, and I think you still should, even if you've made up your mind about where you're living next year. Because you shouldn't go on feeling like you're worthless; like you're role in life is to lay down over puddles so people's dainty little feet don't get wet while they walk all over you. You're an amazing, unique person and you have more to live for than that!
Your next blog post should be a list of things that you love about yourself. Then you should list things that you don't like about yourself and reframe them in a positive light. Like this:
I'm tactless/ I tell it like it is
I'm shy/ I have a rich inner world that I don't share with others unless I feel like they've earned it
I'm crude and lack subtlety/ I'm unpretentious and real
I'm selfish/ I'm an unrestrained free spirit
This is something my therapist made me do back in the day, and I think it'll really help you.
Hopefully we can talk soon... I hope you feel ok until then. I love you.