Today I decided to stop being so nice. I know that it sounds counter-intuitive to everything we are usually raised with, but there is such a thing as being too nice. When I try to hang out with too many friends, I make too many commitments. And the thing is, it's usually me making the commitments, it's usually me taking the initiatives. I go around chasing people, actively trying to make friends and it isn't until I stop to take a breather that I realize no one is chasing me. No one is actively trying to be my friend at all. It's always me calling other people to hang out, it's always me setting up appointments to get together. Whatever happened to reciprocity? And while I have fun with my friends, it also creates a bit of stress when I have to drive an hour to meet them, or find their place, or rearrange my schedule to make time to hang out with them.
While I think that all the effort and stress is worth it for really good friends, I'm starting to realize that no one does the same for me. It's not even that I'm a particularly lonely, needy, or clingy person. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm pretty emotionally independent. If anything, I dislike it when other people are clingy. Now that I'm having this revelation, I know it's time to just let things go. Let go of my so-called friends and contacts. Let go of scheduling and making phone calls and chasing after people. Maybe this is time just for me. Maybe I can explore myself again and continue with solitary pursuits.
Maybe this is what Craig has been trying to tell me all along, that I don't always have to be so nice, especially for people who don't reciprocate the same kindness. That's what makes me a doormat; that's what allows people to walk all over me.
From now on, I am no longer friendly. I'll still be courteous and polite. I'll say hi to people and conduct polite conversation if they seem inclined. But otherwise, I'm going on with my life and going it alone. There's no need for friends who don't bother to be friends with you.
While I think that all the effort and stress is worth it for really good friends, I'm starting to realize that no one does the same for me. It's not even that I'm a particularly lonely, needy, or clingy person. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm pretty emotionally independent. If anything, I dislike it when other people are clingy. Now that I'm having this revelation, I know it's time to just let things go. Let go of my so-called friends and contacts. Let go of scheduling and making phone calls and chasing after people. Maybe this is time just for me. Maybe I can explore myself again and continue with solitary pursuits.
Maybe this is what Craig has been trying to tell me all along, that I don't always have to be so nice, especially for people who don't reciprocate the same kindness. That's what makes me a doormat; that's what allows people to walk all over me.
From now on, I am no longer friendly. I'll still be courteous and polite. I'll say hi to people and conduct polite conversation if they seem inclined. But otherwise, I'm going on with my life and going it alone. There's no need for friends who don't bother to be friends with you.
That's an astute observation, J. You're a very strong person and there's no reason for you to have hanger-ons as "friends". The people who truly care about you will make an effort to be with you the same as you would for them. You've outgrown them and eventually some more appropriate people will meet you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for that encouragement. I really needed it.
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