Someone at internship last week asked me what I had learned so far. I told him that meeting with clients had surprised me because most of them were twice my age with all this wisdom and life experience...yet they still seemed insecure. He asked me what I meant by that, and I said that all these "adults" still had trouble with relationships just like I did. They still had trouble with self-esteem, with trust. They acted needy, clingy, codependent, insecure. I told him that I had always thought once someone became a "real" adult, they would outgrow all of that. He asked me how old I was, and when I told him my age, he gave me this strange look, like he was surprised I didn't consider myself an adult.
"I don't consider myself an adult," I told him. And it was true. I really didn't consider myself to be an adult yet. I mean, sure I was in grad school. I paid my bills, paid my taxes. I knew how to drive and shop and cook. I used money responsibly and I took care of myself. Yet I didn't feel like an adult. I felt like I was just in a preparatory phase of life, like I was waiting for life to begin instead of actually living it. I felt like an emerging adult.
I always imagined that I would be an adult the day I started my career, got my first paycheck, and was financially independent, especially from my parents. I suppose everyone's view of adulthood is different but I considered my complete financial dependence on others as a mark of, well, dependence. Not being able to make my own living or pay my own way meant that I had to rely on others and that was just another part of childhood.
What's more, I didn't think I acted very adult-like. I mean, I was becoming more responsible and assertive, but I still felt like I was very immature in some ways. I still had trouble saying no to people. I still had trouble voicing my opinions. I saw myself as meek and insecure and passive, not very adult-like at all. I always thought real adults had it together. I thought they shed that awkwardness of early youth and came into themselves. I suppose I had always thought of adults as confident, assured, self-actualized people. But a lot of them weren't like that at all. A lot of them were just as insecure (or more so) than I was most of the time. Many of them were still immature, others were still needy. It just astounded me that these "adults", people two or three times my age, still had to keep fighting themselves and working things out.
Maybe adults don't have it all together. Maybe they're just as lost as I am. And suddenly, when I had that thought, everyone around me looked more...human. Insecure and vulnerable. Lost and wandering. Confused and unsure. Maybe they had just as many questions and uncertainties, as many regrets and many "what-ifs". Sure, some of them were very mature and all of them definitely had more life experience, but I realized that it doesn't automatically translate to being secure. Maybe we are insecure all our lives without realizing we don't need to be.
"Twas more than I could take
Pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realize
That you don't even have to try any longer
Do what you want to..."
~"Put Your Records On" by Corrinne Bailey Rae
"I don't consider myself an adult," I told him. And it was true. I really didn't consider myself to be an adult yet. I mean, sure I was in grad school. I paid my bills, paid my taxes. I knew how to drive and shop and cook. I used money responsibly and I took care of myself. Yet I didn't feel like an adult. I felt like I was just in a preparatory phase of life, like I was waiting for life to begin instead of actually living it. I felt like an emerging adult.
I always imagined that I would be an adult the day I started my career, got my first paycheck, and was financially independent, especially from my parents. I suppose everyone's view of adulthood is different but I considered my complete financial dependence on others as a mark of, well, dependence. Not being able to make my own living or pay my own way meant that I had to rely on others and that was just another part of childhood.
What's more, I didn't think I acted very adult-like. I mean, I was becoming more responsible and assertive, but I still felt like I was very immature in some ways. I still had trouble saying no to people. I still had trouble voicing my opinions. I saw myself as meek and insecure and passive, not very adult-like at all. I always thought real adults had it together. I thought they shed that awkwardness of early youth and came into themselves. I suppose I had always thought of adults as confident, assured, self-actualized people. But a lot of them weren't like that at all. A lot of them were just as insecure (or more so) than I was most of the time. Many of them were still immature, others were still needy. It just astounded me that these "adults", people two or three times my age, still had to keep fighting themselves and working things out.
Maybe adults don't have it all together. Maybe they're just as lost as I am. And suddenly, when I had that thought, everyone around me looked more...human. Insecure and vulnerable. Lost and wandering. Confused and unsure. Maybe they had just as many questions and uncertainties, as many regrets and many "what-ifs". Sure, some of them were very mature and all of them definitely had more life experience, but I realized that it doesn't automatically translate to being secure. Maybe we are insecure all our lives without realizing we don't need to be.
"Twas more than I could take
Pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake
I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realize
That you don't even have to try any longer
Do what you want to..."
~"Put Your Records On" by Corrinne Bailey Rae
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