I was walking with Matt along the streets of New York when I jaywalked across an intersection with a "Don't Walk" sign. I almost got hit by a car (yet again) and as soon as I got to the other side of the street, I froze. I realized that Matt was still on the other side of the street, waiting patiently for the "Walk" sign. That's when it dawned on me that I had done something impulsive and reckless. I could have been injured. I could have been killed! Or worse, I could have dented someone's car with my amorphous body shape. When Matt crossed to other side and we continued walking, I voiced my concerns to him.
"I've become one of them!" I whispered frantically.
"Become one of...?"
"I've become one of those New Yorkers who just don't care and walk out into the middle of the street!" Matt laughed. "Lots of people do that."
"Yes, but I don't do that, and now I'm changing! I'm becoming one of them!"
"It's okay," Matt reassured me. Then he became reflective. "I noticed that when little things happen to you, you tend to freak out and think that it's some fundamental change in your personality or behavior."
"I..." I foundered for a word, a reaction, then: "OH. I do do that." (Ha, I said "doo-doo.")
Matt continued. "It's okay. Crossing the street like that, it's just something you do. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"It doesn't have to mean anything..." I repeated, letting the words sink in. "It doesn't have to mean anything!" I shouted, elated and exuberant. "You're so right, Matt. When I do something, it doesn't have to mean anything. I'm going to write a blog post about this!" And so I did. (I know, so meta, right?)
"Everything signifies," Matt told me. "In literature," he amended. "But in life, it doesn't have to mean anything."
"What does 'everything signifies' mean?" I asked him.
"It means that everything means something," he told me. "But only in literature," he repeated. "In life..."
I nodded. "It doesn't have to mean anything."
I know that this was a confusing and seemingly pointless blog post, but it does mean something to me. It's given me insight into a fundamental part of my character. Like my supervisor told me several times, I'm analytical and so I tend to over-analyze things. Now, with this revelation, I can sit back and relax more. Everything I do does not have to be scrutinized for some hidden meaning or unconscious motive. Matt's words really helped me to let go. It doesn't have to mean anything. Even this blog post doesn't have to mean anything. And you know what? It probably doesn't. :)
"I've become one of them!" I whispered frantically.
"Become one of...?"
"I've become one of those New Yorkers who just don't care and walk out into the middle of the street!" Matt laughed. "Lots of people do that."
"Yes, but I don't do that, and now I'm changing! I'm becoming one of them!"
"It's okay," Matt reassured me. Then he became reflective. "I noticed that when little things happen to you, you tend to freak out and think that it's some fundamental change in your personality or behavior."
"I..." I foundered for a word, a reaction, then: "OH. I do do that." (Ha, I said "doo-doo.")
Matt continued. "It's okay. Crossing the street like that, it's just something you do. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"It doesn't have to mean anything..." I repeated, letting the words sink in. "It doesn't have to mean anything!" I shouted, elated and exuberant. "You're so right, Matt. When I do something, it doesn't have to mean anything. I'm going to write a blog post about this!" And so I did. (I know, so meta, right?)
"Everything signifies," Matt told me. "In literature," he amended. "But in life, it doesn't have to mean anything."
"What does 'everything signifies' mean?" I asked him.
"It means that everything means something," he told me. "But only in literature," he repeated. "In life..."
I nodded. "It doesn't have to mean anything."
I know that this was a confusing and seemingly pointless blog post, but it does mean something to me. It's given me insight into a fundamental part of my character. Like my supervisor told me several times, I'm analytical and so I tend to over-analyze things. Now, with this revelation, I can sit back and relax more. Everything I do does not have to be scrutinized for some hidden meaning or unconscious motive. Matt's words really helped me to let go. It doesn't have to mean anything. Even this blog post doesn't have to mean anything. And you know what? It probably doesn't. :)
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