I've just realized something today: Not only have I internalized my parents' expectations for me to succeed, I've internalized their definition of success--for me to excel academically, attain a high level of education (at least a bachelor's degree), and to land a good job and start a career.
This is why, whenever I fantasize about my ideal life, it is really THEIR fantasy of my ideal life. In those visualizations, I never took a year off like I did in real life, I never have doubts about what I am going to do with my life. In those fantasies, I just go through college with a clear direction and sense of purpose. I land a job immediately upon graduating. I go off and live on my own and become fabulously successful in my career. None of these fantasies involve taking a year off or dropping out of college or defying my parents. A
Additionally, whenever I write stories, children NEVER defy their parents. They may resent them, but they never outright defy them...which says a lot about the writer--me. I didn't even write stories with conflicted parent-child relationships until much later on in my life, when I was about twenty or so. Before, my stories always include harmonious relationships between parents and children, relationships where they get along and bond and talk like friends--idealistic manifestations of my inner desires, maybe? I suppose if I ever looked into the Mirror of Erised, that's what I would see: a harmonious friendship with my parents, one where we can talk and joke and laugh without it ever turning into a fight or bitter, resentful silences.
On another note, whenever I fantasize about my future, I'm always alone. Living alone, eating alone, going places alone. I see it a symbol of self-sufficiency, freedom, and independence, but this also reflects my fear of being abandoned. I believe that I MUST make it on my own and this shows that my ideal of self-sufficiency is partly driven by a strong fear as well.
Funnily enough, whenever other people are directionless or want to take a year off to figure out what they want to do with their lives...I'm pretty supportive. I always tell them that it's okay, but I do not treat myself as kindly when I make the same decisions--a double standard that is detrimental to my well-being. If I wouldn't put that pressure on other people, why would I treat myself that way? Why? Or does my internalization of my parents' expectations...really go that deep?
This is why, whenever I fantasize about my ideal life, it is really THEIR fantasy of my ideal life. In those visualizations, I never took a year off like I did in real life, I never have doubts about what I am going to do with my life. In those fantasies, I just go through college with a clear direction and sense of purpose. I land a job immediately upon graduating. I go off and live on my own and become fabulously successful in my career. None of these fantasies involve taking a year off or dropping out of college or defying my parents. A
Additionally, whenever I write stories, children NEVER defy their parents. They may resent them, but they never outright defy them...which says a lot about the writer--me. I didn't even write stories with conflicted parent-child relationships until much later on in my life, when I was about twenty or so. Before, my stories always include harmonious relationships between parents and children, relationships where they get along and bond and talk like friends--idealistic manifestations of my inner desires, maybe? I suppose if I ever looked into the Mirror of Erised, that's what I would see: a harmonious friendship with my parents, one where we can talk and joke and laugh without it ever turning into a fight or bitter, resentful silences.
On another note, whenever I fantasize about my future, I'm always alone. Living alone, eating alone, going places alone. I see it a symbol of self-sufficiency, freedom, and independence, but this also reflects my fear of being abandoned. I believe that I MUST make it on my own and this shows that my ideal of self-sufficiency is partly driven by a strong fear as well.
Funnily enough, whenever other people are directionless or want to take a year off to figure out what they want to do with their lives...I'm pretty supportive. I always tell them that it's okay, but I do not treat myself as kindly when I make the same decisions--a double standard that is detrimental to my well-being. If I wouldn't put that pressure on other people, why would I treat myself that way? Why? Or does my internalization of my parents' expectations...really go that deep?
No comments:
Post a Comment