I have decided to keep notes about myself, mostly to reflect on my habits and personality. I am on a lifelong quest of self-improvement and I want to keep records of what needs to change and what I can improve. I'm on my way to becoming a social worker and hopefully, a counselor someday so I hope that this book will be a good way to increase my self-awareness and reflect on my life.
Since I had no internet at my house, I went to IHOP to use their free wi-fi. When I wanted to go home, it was heavily raining. I know that I should have called for a ride or just waited for the rain to stop, but somehow, I thought I could just run the short distance back to my house. It was a bad idea. I risked so much--soaking my papers and damaging my laptop due to water.
I'm not proud of this, but if I don't face up to the truth of who I am, then I'll never change. The thing is, I could have done a variety of things instead of running home in the rain. I could have waited for the rain to stop (the rain eventually did stop, half an hour after I got home). I could have called my landlord for a ride. He was home at the time and after he saw me come home soaking wet, he said that he would have picked me up if I had called him. I could have brought an umbrella--I will do so from now on, I've learned my lesson. In other words, I could have prevented a lot of stress on myself, but why didn't I? Was it because I was afraid of imposing? Was it because I thought no one would help me? Was it because I was afraid of wasting time if I just waited for the rain to stop?
All of the above. I didn't even bother to call for help. I didn't bother to wait for the rain to stop. Why? Why am I so reluctant to ask for help? Why am I so afraid of "wasting time"? It seems as if I always have to be doing something--never just taking a moment to relax and breathe. Whatever happened to stopping and smelling the roses? Whatever happened to taking things slow? Whatever happened to meditation and quiet time and living in the moment? It was as if a voice in my head said right then, You don't have to live alone...
Is this where my fears of abandonment come from? Is this some deep-rooted insecurity that says: I'm going to be alone. No one is going to help me so I better go it alone?
Well, guess what? A change is going to start today. Little by little, it'll happen. I may not change overnight, but I can change over a year, five years, ten years. Watch out world, a change is going to come and a new me is going to happen.
Since I had no internet at my house, I went to IHOP to use their free wi-fi. When I wanted to go home, it was heavily raining. I know that I should have called for a ride or just waited for the rain to stop, but somehow, I thought I could just run the short distance back to my house. It was a bad idea. I risked so much--soaking my papers and damaging my laptop due to water.
I'm not proud of this, but if I don't face up to the truth of who I am, then I'll never change. The thing is, I could have done a variety of things instead of running home in the rain. I could have waited for the rain to stop (the rain eventually did stop, half an hour after I got home). I could have called my landlord for a ride. He was home at the time and after he saw me come home soaking wet, he said that he would have picked me up if I had called him. I could have brought an umbrella--I will do so from now on, I've learned my lesson. In other words, I could have prevented a lot of stress on myself, but why didn't I? Was it because I was afraid of imposing? Was it because I thought no one would help me? Was it because I was afraid of wasting time if I just waited for the rain to stop?
All of the above. I didn't even bother to call for help. I didn't bother to wait for the rain to stop. Why? Why am I so reluctant to ask for help? Why am I so afraid of "wasting time"? It seems as if I always have to be doing something--never just taking a moment to relax and breathe. Whatever happened to stopping and smelling the roses? Whatever happened to taking things slow? Whatever happened to meditation and quiet time and living in the moment? It was as if a voice in my head said right then, You don't have to live alone...
Is this where my fears of abandonment come from? Is this some deep-rooted insecurity that says: I'm going to be alone. No one is going to help me so I better go it alone?
Well, guess what? A change is going to start today. Little by little, it'll happen. I may not change overnight, but I can change over a year, five years, ten years. Watch out world, a change is going to come and a new me is going to happen.
Hurrah, you are back! I must tell you now, I will always read your blog, even if I do not comment. I have always enjoyed your thoughts. I find it a proactive step that you are taking note of your own flaws. Most people bury them and let them fester until they become huge problems.
ReplyDeleteOh. Wow. I didn't know I still had any active followers. Well, thank you for your continued readership and your support. I was gone for a while because I was going through a tough time and some changes in identity, but yes, I'm back. I realize that it's better to face up to my flaws and confront my shortcomings. That way, I can improve them and become a better person instead of just "burying" everything and "let them fester", as you put so eloquently put it.
ReplyDelete