Novemeber 13, 2012

Something momentous happened today. My mother called me and apologized for everything she had done to me in my life, most of it relating to the religious rituals she made me do as a child. She especially apologized for making me go on all those religious retreats.  She said that she was sorry if I didn't like them or if I was embarrassed. She was sorry if she pushed me too hard. She said that she just thought it was best for me at the time and she was apologizing because she did not want me to be angry at her. I told her that I wasn't angry with her, which was technically true. I wasn't angry. I was just resentful. All those years of doing things to please her--praying, going to church, attending religious retreats. Gifts and cards and compliments did not seem to please her. Even hand-drawn pictures and little kind acts did not seem to please her; she just liked religion. So I did religious things for her, and to this day, I'm still scarred by some of the things she put me through.

I still love my mother and I respect her a lot. I've learned a lot from her and I definitely would not be where I am today without her, yet...there's still this hurt and resentful little girl inside of me who doesn't want anything to do with her mom anymore. There's this little girl who is still hurt from being told she should lose weight. Or that she's flat-chested. Or that she has bad hair and bad skin. Or that she's so stupid she can't do anything right and will not make anything of herself.

BUT this is one step forward  and it's something I didn't expect at all. Parents in my native culture don't usually apologize to their children and my mother is particularly prideful so this must have been a big step for her.

And so I thank you, Mom. You weren't always emotionally supportive, but this is one step in the right direction. I'll take whatever acceptance I can get. And I still love you.