I'm sitting on a plane staring out at the clouds when I begin to realized that my thoughts keep crowding my head. Even though I know about the joy of living in the moment, I find it hard to be mindful for more than a few seconds at a time. Now even that long. I can live in the present for just a fleeting moment before my thoughts take over again. When did this start happening?
I have a flashback to the sixth grade. It is a school day and I'm standing in the schoolyard before class begins. Everyone is crowded on the blacktop, chattering away until the first bell. I try making conversation with one group, but no one listens to anything I say. As a matter of fact, it seems that no one has noticed I said anything at all. This realization makes me feel lonely, ignored, and invalidated. I zone out at once, blocking out all the feelings.
I'm sure that the sixth grade was not where it started, but it's the flashbulb memory. It's one of the distinct times I remember retreating into my head instead of facing reality. Hence, this is how I learned to NOT live in the moment. Now that I'm older, I have to re-train myself to face reality, face all of my emotions--the good and the bad. It's like I've said many times before--I want to become better at feeling, and not just feel better, regardless of whether the emotion brings me joy peace, or pain. This is especially important given that for at least twelve years of my life, I've been blocking out my emotions and settling into this emotionally numb state where I don't feel anything. Maybe it's time to stop feeling dead inside.
I have a flashback to the sixth grade. It is a school day and I'm standing in the schoolyard before class begins. Everyone is crowded on the blacktop, chattering away until the first bell. I try making conversation with one group, but no one listens to anything I say. As a matter of fact, it seems that no one has noticed I said anything at all. This realization makes me feel lonely, ignored, and invalidated. I zone out at once, blocking out all the feelings.
I'm sure that the sixth grade was not where it started, but it's the flashbulb memory. It's one of the distinct times I remember retreating into my head instead of facing reality. Hence, this is how I learned to NOT live in the moment. Now that I'm older, I have to re-train myself to face reality, face all of my emotions--the good and the bad. It's like I've said many times before--I want to become better at feeling, and not just feel better, regardless of whether the emotion brings me joy peace, or pain. This is especially important given that for at least twelve years of my life, I've been blocking out my emotions and settling into this emotionally numb state where I don't feel anything. Maybe it's time to stop feeling dead inside.
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