I was in the grocery store with Matt and we happened to have
a very happy cashier. She was all cheery and smiley and kept saying, “God
bless you.” As Matt and I left the grocery store, he commented on how
nice she was, and I said, “She’s the first person I’ve met here that actually
seemed happy with her life.”
Matt laughed, but it’s true. I’ve never met anyone at this
grocery store who seemed even half satisfied with their life. They all seem so
despondent and glum. Now I know that working at a grocery store may not be
anyone’s dream job, but they acted as if they were stuck this way, as if life
was never going to get any better. Then I felt bad all of a sudden because I realized
that for some people, life wasn’t going
to get any better. There wasn’t very much hope of moving up, moving out, or
moving away. Their job paralleled their life—they weren’t going anywhere else
in their job, and they weren’t going anywhere else in their life. This made me
sad.
After I dropped off Matt at the airport today, I drove home
to find myself feeling partner loneliness, that kind of loneliness that comes
from missing a significant other. It doesn't matter what else goes on in life: I could have plenty of hobbies and
activities. I could have a healthy social life. I could have meaning and
fulfillment in my life, but somehow, these things did not equal my Matthew.
Now
I know what people mean by “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone.” I always
thought that those forlorn love songs were exaggerating, but now I know exactly
what they mean. Then I thought of people who have lost their significant other and
it made me even sadder. I remembered something Maggie Smith said about her deceased husband, “I still miss him so much it's ridiculous. People say it gets better but
it doesn't. It just gets different, that's all. Even in my dream I kept
saying to him, 'You are dead. You can't be here.'" By the way,
for those who don’t know, Maggie Smith is the actress who played Professor
McGonagall in the Harry Potter films.
Matthew, if you’re out there, know that I love you and miss
you, in this life and beyond.
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