There is no dream

Today, I was walking across the library bridge after my exam. The rain was falling in little thumps on my hat.

I'm just fooling myself, I thought. There is no dream.

I had looked in the mirror this morning. It had probably been a week since I've seen myself like this. It was only a glance, but it was almost enough to make me cry. I almost did, too. Twice.

So I thought about that when I was on the library bridge. The sky was a steely grey. I could see my breath, too, coming out in small, translucent puffs. I looked out across the water, at the little drops plinking on the surface of the waves. I looked out at the vast grey expanse of my life and the vast grey expanse of my future. Who was I kidding? There was nothing for me out there. There was no person for me out there. There was no one waiting....there was no one waiting. I tried to remember that I was supposed to think positively. That's a laugh, I thought bitterly. Positive thinking isn't going to help me now. I have no prospects. I have nothing to offer anyone. What can I do that someone else can't do better? I had nothing going for me.

And there was nothing left, too. Nothing left.

God is in the rain.

That's what some people say--God is in the rain. Well, is God listening now? Because all I wanted was to die.

I could imagine it, too--imagine God's arms around me, crying over my sorrow, and trying to comfort me for my loss. "I'm sorry," He says. "I'm sorry" over and over again. Well, that's a real nice gesture, God.

I guess that's why it's raining.

God is in the rain.