Je suis contente

I'm happier now for some reason, probably on the account that I accomplished a lot of my homework and my day turned out pretty well.

I woke up this morning slightly confused as whether I should go to English Mass at 9 a.m. with my brother or attend regular Vietnamese mass with my parents as usual. I opted for the later mass and went back to sleep for the next hour. Best sleep I ever got too. This I noticed when I was on facebook this morning before I showered and went to church. Apparently, I was online for a little too long for my dad called me at 11:38, probably wondering where I was and why I was not in church yet. I, wisely, did not pick up. Luckily, I left soon afterward and made it to church with not a moment left to spare.

Church was okay today. I remember Father Dac reading the passage about the Pharisees testing Jesus whether or not it is lawful to pay taxes to Caesar and Jesus's famous quote: "Giveth to Caesar what belongeth to Caesar and giveth to God what belongeth to God." (I added the "-eth"s for effect)

I think I sat there for a while trying to see how this passage applied to my own life, discerning if God was trying to send me a message in this reading (see, that's how self-absorbed I am; I relate everything to myself), but I came up with mostly blanks. Well, there was the fact that I was feeling down about myself again and was contemplating yet another dramatic ending to my life so maybe God was trying to tell me that since he gave me life, I should give him back my life. Wait...that would mean killing myself, right? Doesn't this contradict the teachings of the church? Ah...Catholicism.

Anyhoo, my mood considerably improved owing to the fact that I had lots of time after church to do homework (my parents were at Dai Duc Me praying; I opted not to go). Even the fact that I had overeaten for lunch again didn't dampen my mood or deter me: I kept working.

Finally, I was tired enough to take one of my inevitable Sunday afternoon naps and so waking up almost two hours later, answered a phone call from my mother saying that she might be back late and therefore, I might be late in returning to Clemson. I didnt' mind, of course (I'm easy-gonig like that). Besides, it just gave me more time to do homework...I know, Imma nerd.

My parents finally returned home around 7 o'clock and we had an impromptu family dinner (minus my brother who had succeeded in going to early mass and was spending the day with his new girlfriend). The food was so enticing that I kept helping myself to more and more (hence, the fat, protruding stomach I have to show for it). Gah, I wish I still had that kind of cooking at college, I'd probably be eating all the time.

Clearing up the dinner table (which is really just the kitchen counter in my house since we don't have a dinner table), my mom helped me load my things into the car while my father sat outside smoking cigarettes and I pranced around the house singing Ba Thanh Ca Buon and O, Holy Night in a very broken but joyous voice. The night was just how I pictured the very first Christmas night was like: slightly cold, velvety sky, bright shining stars, a sense of mysterious joy in the air...Ah, Christmas. I can't wait for it to come!

Yeah, yeah, I know. We've barely gotten to Halloween, leave alone Thanksgiving and then Christmas, but all the same!

The ride back to Clemson was interesting. My father started talking about Gandhi and he told me that a contemporary of Gandhi's, Isaac Newton, called the great Indian a "dinosaur walking the earth." I thought that was pretty impressive. I would have liked some famous, British scientist to call me that. Huh...maybe I should become some world-renowned pacifist. That oughta show 'em.

Anyway, we drove past a car accident near downtown Greenvile and that got me to thinking about how some people are really unfortunate in life. (This theme would show up later when I read my sociology book about social stratification.)

The last thing I wanted to comment on about the car ride was when my parents brought up the fact that I should be more aggressive and confrontational instead of just doing so many things for people. They pointed out how much I did for my roommate and for my brother (apparently, my father was really irritated by the fact that I did my brother's laundry for him).

I have been getting signs like this one recently and I knew that I should change. It was sad though. Heart-breaking almost to say good-bye to a part of you that you've cultivated for so long. I had to undo seven years worth of niceness and kindness and of trying to be a good person. I had to say good-bye to that part of myself and bury it. It was like saying good-bye to childhood and innocence and a part of who you are. But then again, I knew it was for the best. There are people out there in the world who will take advantage of you and manipulate you...who will walk all over you and keep you down. I guess I can't afford to be that weak-willed anymore. I'll be entering the real world soon. It's time for a change. Even if it does mean becoming cynical and pessimistic and negative about everything...

Well, the rest of my day wasn't really that interesting. I came back to see Melissa and Tyler watching Kiki's Delivery Service and then I said good-bye to my parents, left for the second floor study room of McCabe, and spent the next two hours and a half doing more homework.

When I came back to the dorm to get ready for bed, I was in a surprisingly better mood and was even re-thinking my whole idea of giving up writing and re-evaluating my look on life. Huh, funny how being level-headed really changes your thinking.

Well, that's probably enough writing for tonight. I wrote for six more minutes than I intended to, but I am trying to make a habit out of journaling my thoughts and writing out my day before I go to sleep each night. That way, I'll have something to look back on during these crazy years. Besides, you know what they say: It's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. In this case, it's probably better to have a journal and then delete it later if I want to rather than sit at a desk years from now trying to remember the details about what happened way back when.

Peace. Out. Everyone. Thanks for listening.

jumira-wings