Infancy and toddlerhood

We went over infancy and toddlerhood in class today. My teacher described the different types of baby temperaments: easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult. I definitely did not have an easy temperament as a child so I was probably a difficult child. Actually, I remember stories my mother used to tell me about how I was a stubborn, difficult child--my needs were hard to understand and I seemed aversive to physical contact. I hated anyone touching me or holding me. Actually, I hated this so much that I bit people if they tried to hold me (reminds of Mogmi, the first cat I ever lived with; he also bit people if they touched him without his consent).  I was stubborn about refusing food I did not like, and I cried incessantly if I didn't get fed. I did, however, calm down as soon as I was fed, and then promptly rolled over and went to sleep. My mother loves telling these stories of my babyhood days, sometimes to reminisce with others and sometimes to illustrate how much I've changed or stayed the same.


Now that I think about it, I turned out very different from my babyhood temperament. I like physical affection now and I'm often affectionate with my mother, my friends, and my boyfriend. The other members of my family, especially males, are not so open to physical affection, but that's okay. It's our culture after all.


I'm also not stubborn about food anymore. I'm willing to try new foods and new things. Maybe it was just my preconceptions as a child that contributed to my stubbornness. I remember how I never wanted to try certain foods based purely on how they looked: bitter melon, artichokes, asparagus, okra, things like that. Mostly green vegetables that looked funny (strangely enough, I've always loved broccoli--they're like little trees!-- and green beans and snow peas). I did not try the strange-looking vegetables until I was much older, probably in my mid-teens or early twenties, and I turned out to like them all! Well, except bitter melon; the taste is terrible.

Now I can say that I'm glad I tried them and I can add them to the list of nutritious and delicious foods to eat. Maybe that's why I was stubborn of food as child. Misconceptions. Funny how things change as you get older.

Oct. 8, 2012

I drove home today feeling very, very depressed. I just saw my cousin yesterday all dressed up and decked out. She looked gorgeous, and I knew that I could never look like that. I knew that I would never have her wealth, her looks, or her piano-playing skills. I envied the children in the family, envied their easy, luxurious lifestyle, and how they never had to worry about money. I was so tired of being poor.

Cheer up, I told myself, you have plenty of good things, too. And besides, other people are going through much worse. That cheered me up for a little bit, but it didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep or crying on the drive home. I feel like I just have all this pent-up emotion. Like I've been trying too hard to be happy and positive that I'm completely ignoring my sad feelings, especially if the sad feelings are pointing to something wrong. That's when I realized that there may be a downside to always thinking positive, always trying to be happy and look on the bright side--people can lose their sense of comprehensive feeling. Maybe it's not always wrong to feel sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or disappointed. Maybe all those feelings have merit. Or at the very least, they provide clues, clues to the inner workings of our worlds, to our thoughts and perceptions and interpretations. At best, they could be a guide to resolve anything that hasn't been resolved, to bring attention to things that need closure.

After this revelation, I decided to follow the principle from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: I want to work on being better at feeling, and not just feeling better. I want to feel all my emotions--the good and the bad. I want to accept them and embrace them. I want to face my past and my negative thoughts and work through them. I don't want to just keep suppressing and repressing them. I don't want to just keep stuffing them into the back of mind and burying them while hoping they don't resurface.

The truth of it is, I don't think it's healthy for me. I don't think it's healthy to have to bury scars and then deal with the trauma when it surfaces. I think it's better to explore and to investigate, to probe and ask questions and figure things out. I think I need a fair amount of closure with a lot of the things that happened in my life and I would like to do it while being kind to myself, being patient and understanding. I don't want to reprimand myself for past mistakes. They can't be changed anyway so why dwell on it and rehash old sentiments? Why not work with them and settle them? Explore them and work through them? That's why I have this journal, I suppose, this blog. Part of this is to help me work through insecurities, past mistakes, and conflicting emotions. The other part is to look to the future for possible solutions, new ways of adaptation, and a brand new way of looking at things. I know that I can do this. I've already come this far.

I also read an article today that said how unresolved conflicts with parents can be transferred onto partners. I suddenly wondered if I was doing that with Matt and so I contacted him, saying that I wanted to talk to him at some point. He called me on the phone and helped me work through things. Truthfully, I was glad it I did it; talking with him helped me so much. I was having relationship insecurities and he reassured me that he loved me for so many deep and wonderful reasons. We have set a time to talk to each other and to work some things out. Hope the best for us.

Oct. 7, 2012

I went to church with the family this morning and somehow ended up sitting with the choir. After church, they thought that I wanted to join the choir and so they "recruited" me into choir practice. I didn't sing though, I just stood there lip-synching the lyrics and pretending to do tremolos and vibratos, just in case anyone was looking. They weren't.

After church, my uncle took me to a family get-together and they had so much food there! I can see that lots of food is a running theme in this family. Again, my cousins could eat a lot more food than I could. I mostly enjoyed some noodles and the sushi bar, but my cousins had two plates of food each and then went back for dessert. I enjoyed dessert, too--chocolate mousse cake, some fruit, and a sliver of flan. I actually don't like flan, but I always get an urge to eat it anyway. Must be the texture. It looks so much like cheesecake!

Lastly, I went back to my uncle's house to do the rest of my homework, but I was distracted by what was on television. My grandfather was watching a National Geographic Wild program, and I ended up watching it with him. Besides, it gave my tired eyes a chance to rest from all the reading. From the program, I learned about how African wild cats hunted--how lions are built for strength and not speed, how cheetahs are some of the most elegant killers in the world, and how leopards have such strong neck muscles that they can carry prey three times their weight up a tree. I learned of the termites' greatest enemy--ants (yeah, that surprised me), and how zebras and gazelles survive on the savannah. Fascinating stuff. That program, coupled with the fact that I just went to the zoo yesterday rekindled my childhood interest in animals. I used to be obsessed with animals, reading everything I could about them and watching Nature programs on how animals lived. I dreamt of becoming a zoologist or a veterinarian and now I wonder why I didn't. I remember liking animals when I was a kid and not liking people. Now I'm in training to work in a field of human services, not animal services. I wonder how that came to be...

Then I suddenly remembered--mysophobia. I had an irrational fear of filth and feces and the germs they could transmit. I knew that if I ever became an animal scientist, then I would inevitably have to work with animal feces and that did not seem all too pleasing to me. Also, a lot of animals could bite or sting or overpower people, and I was in no position to stand up to them. I also had a disproportionate fear of pain.

Wow, Huy was right: I'm a wimp. No wonder I chickened out and became a "people" person. I can't stand the pressure, the fear. Not that being a social worker doesn't have its risks, but it's less likely I'll be bitten, stung, overpowered, or pooped on. Unless I'm working with kids. Or those losing control of their bodily functions. Or with violent, psychotic folks. Or drug users. Oh dear, am I in the wrong major?

Oct. 6, 2012

My aunt took me to the zoo today! We went to the Philadelphia Zoo, which she informed me, was the first zoo in America. I was in awe as I strolled around the walkways, gawking at the oldest menagerie establishment in the US. It was pretty cool. I went with her younger children, and it made the experience. I think going to the zoo is so fun when you're a child and it was nice to be able to see it through their eyes, to see them interact with the animals and participate on all the rides. I joined in on some rides too. I got to ride a camel and a large white horse. The camel was bumpy and hard. It didn't have much cushioning for sensitive human bottoms. I wonder how people ride these animals for hours across the desert. That's what those cushions and pillows are for, I suppose, to help with the bumpiness. I was excited about riding the horse, however. I've always wanted to ride a horse and now was my chance. Granted that I didn't do anything other than sit there while a trainer walked the animal around, I still relished every minute. I hope that I can learn to ride a horse on my own someday.

We went through many other exhibits as well--barnyard animals, an aviary, the reptile house, and even a special building for nocturnal animals. I met the smallest monkey in the world--the pygmy marmoset and stood inches away from the green anaconda, the longest snake in the world. I also found out that a fifteen-foot king cobra can raise about a third of its body into the air. Seeing as how that's around five feet, a king cobra could look me right in the eye if it wanted. Now that's intimidating.

While the zoo was fun, I was relieved when we left. I don't see how my aunt does it, just toting her kids around from exhibit to exhibit, exhausting every ride, touring every building, and taking advantage of feeding opportunities. It's exhausting. She acts as if going to the zoo is a grand opportunity that she will only get this once so she wants to do everything. In reality, she has season passes to the zoo and makes her kids go with her every month so it's definitely not the last time she'll be there. I wonder if any other mothers are like this...

After the zoo, the family met up to eat at a Chinese buffet. I don't see how they can eat so much food! I can barely stomach two plates of food while I sit there watching them go back for fifth and sixth plates. It's astounding. They kept urging me to eat more and to go back for more food, but I just couldn't stomach it. However, I am glad that I got to try the chocolate fountain. People can come over to the dessert bar and there will be these fruits on sticks, mostly strawberries and pineapples. Then they can take a fruit stick and dip it into a fountain that had running liquid chocolate. It was beautiful. I could only eat one strawberry and one pineapple, but one of my cousins ate twenty chocolate-coated fruit sticks! Wow, they have a healthy appetite. And they're all skinny, too! I don't see how they do it!

Oct. 5, 2012

My internship agency is closed this Monday so I decided to drive out and visit my uncle and his family for this long weekend. I got a bit lost looking for his house, but I got there safely. When I arrived, I was shocked and overwhelmed. Dear Lord, his house is big. It’s like…a mansion.

Well, I  grew up working-class so any big house seems like a mansion. But seriously, his large, brick house is very upper-class. It has a long walkway flanked by two stone lions. There is a double-ended staircase and multiple sun rooms off to the side. One room serves as a study and the other as a playroom for his youngest child. There is an upright piano in one room and two dining rooms for the family. The basement has an exercise room and a home theater with a projector. Eight people live here—my uncle and his wife, their four children, and two grandparents. Plus me equals nine for the weekend. I’m in for a good time.

These are my thoughts as I’m climbing into bed: I’m tired and tense and…this is a REALLY NICE BED. Wow. I lie there enjoying the plushness and softness and airiness and…then half an hour, I’m sound asleep. Good night, everyone.

Oct. 4, 2012

I was walking to my internship today, toting my backpack, my huge lunch, and an umbrella. I felt like a pack mule, but the sunrise was so breath-taking that it made up for it. The weather was nice, too. Bright but not blinding. Breezy and not baleful. Sky-lit and not stormy. Nice. I thank God for moments like this, even if my back is breaking. 

Note to self: Get a massage.

Oct. 3, 2012

I was walking home when I caught a sudden whiff of something that smelled strongly of fragrant soap. I inhaled deeply, the scent reminding me of rain-washed forests and Irish washerwomen. Ahhh, wonderful. I’m just being accosted by good smells today.

Later, I was making dinner when I tried some of my cooking and a strangely familiar taste caught me off-guard. It was so…rich and aromatic, like seasoned beef and deep Brazilian nuts and spices from deep underground. Wow, what a plethora (I love that word, don’t you?) of smells. I hope I have more experiences like this.