How to feel

Haha. This title is like the movie "How to be", which I still want to watch.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I miss my family, but only when I'm with them. When I'm away, I don't miss them at all. It feels strange. I miss my friends, and yet I'm emotionally detached from them at the same time.

I also don't understand the feeling of loneliness. I feel lonely every ONCE IN A WHILE. Not all the effin' time. My friends are all: "I'm watching a movie. I want someone to watch it with me. I'm going to go eat. I want someone to eat with me. I'm taking a frickin' WALK IN PUBLIC and I want someone to go with me." What is this? Why is everyone so afraid of being alone all the time? Why do they need constant companionship and comfort and reassurance? Surely, not EVERYONE is that insecure and self-conscious. I will never understand it. It's such an alien feeling to me.

Maybe it comes from the fact that I'm so introverted so I enjoy my time alone. Or maybe because I don't care so much what other people think. Seriously, when I go out in public to eat or go to class or for any reason, thoughts like: "Oh, is everyone watching me? Are they judging me? Do they think I have no friends because I'm all alone? Do they see me as a loser? Do they pity me?" hardly ever cross my mind. Actually, they only began to cross my mind when my friends confessed that those were THEIR thoughts whenever they went out in public. (Well, some of my friends really don't care what everyone else thinks--they just don't like to be alone. But it still confuses me.)

I still don't understand that. If I'm watching a movie, I PREFER to by myself. That way, there aren't people there to interrupt the movie or criticize everything. If I'm eating, I don't want people watching. If I'm going in public, everyone is too worried about themselves to pay attention so why even bother?

It baffles me. It really, really does.

Personal Ad

The Periodic Encounters girl from Flagstaff, Arizona did a personal ad for her blog post so I thought I would do one, too. Just for fun.

Short Asian female looking for friends. NOT LOVE. FRIENDS. Actually, if the love of my life is out there reading this, I have one message for you: STAY THE ---- AWAY FROM ME. I'll shoot you. I swear.

THE END.:)

Starbursts and Music

There's this row of trees near Tillman Hall. Since it's fall, the trees have all these little pentacle-shaped autumn leaves, all gold. It almost looks as if there was a meteor shower one night and the slender branches reached out and caught all the stars as they were falling to the earth. I call them the Starburst Trees.

Anyway, that's my poetic thought for the day.

Secondly, I was in the Brooks Center (that's the performing arts center at my school. They have all these rooms where you could practice music) and I come to the only room where they have a practice carillon...only to find that there's some guy in there playing his trombone. I wanted to kick him out. BUT...I decided against it.

Also, there's this other guy who keeps playing the Flintstones theme song over and over again. It gets stuck in my head and I end up singing it all the way to class.

Another thing happened in the Brooks Center once. I was checking all the piano rooms and the only one with an available piano was across from this blond guy who was also playing the piano. Well, there really isn't much of a point in having separate rooms for the pianos since you can still hear everyone in EVERY ROOM (soundproofing? Mon oeil!). Anyway, I was practicing my usual songs when I heard the other guy playing something that sounded like Prelude. So I started playing Prelude. Right after that, I played Fur Elise. But when I finished, I realized that HE was also playing Fur Elise. It's like we were influencing each other. I never saw that guy again but that memory still makes me smile.

Bubbly and precious

A few of my friends and I were in Longhorn Steakhouse celebrating our friend's birthday. Near the end of the dinner, the song "Bubbly" came on and all of us started swaying and singing to it. The waitress came by, took one look at us, and said, "Well, aren't you all precious?". It broke the moment but we just laughed and went back to talking.

Craig took Melissa and me to the forest today and I learned something very important: Forests are like relationships--romantic...but treacherous. Seriously, I slipped at one point and I thought: Wow, wouldn't it be great if I just went headlong down this steep slope, gutted myself on those (very sharp) rocks, and splashed my insides out into the river below? Yeah. Good times.

P.S. I called a lot of my friends today and apparently woke them from their sleep...IT WAS 2:30 P.M. I had been up since 7 in the morning. Apparently, I'm not a very good college student since I don't even sleep til (WAY) past noon on a Sunday.

The beauty and the orgasm

Thursday was beautiful. I was walking to class when I happened to glance up and saw how the autumn blue sky was blanketed by long stretches of clouds. It resembled white sand on the bottom of the ocean. Or the dunes of the desert.

Something else that caught my eye was when I was walking downtown and I saw something that looked like leaves suspended in mid-air. When I looked closer, I saw that they were caught on a spider web. It was like a moment frozen in time. I wanted to take a picture but the spider web probably wouldn't show up and it would just look like I took a photograph of leaves flying through the air.

On a more academic note, we talked about sexual themes for the book we were reading in class (aptly named the "The Turn of the Screw")and the teacher brought up orgasms. He was asking if anyone knew the French word for "orgasm" and immediately looked at me.

Needless to say, I was beyond confused. "Why are you looking at me?"
"Because you studied French," was his only reply. Yeah, so did Kaitlynn, who was sitting immediately to his left.
"I studied French but I never studied the word for orgasm."
For some reason, this sent a ripple of laughter through the class.
"How can you study French without studying orgasms?" my teacher said in all seriousness as he turned back to the board. Then he wrote out the French word for orgasm. Yeah. After he asked me. (It's "Le Petite Mort", by the way, which I think translates to "The Little Death". Very appealing name for an orgasm, don't you think?).

Wow, I just realized that I had a "My Life Is Average" moment. Well, I guess my life isn't so average anymore.

Love and Other Disasters

The title of this blog post is taken from the title of a movie that John was trying to show to Johnathon and me. It featured Brittany Murphy in the lead role and the movie itself looked promising. Sadly, we were watching it on the internet and it didn't stream well so we gave up.

It did have the cute idea of presenting the movie preceded by clips where the scenes were written out like they are in a script. I want to do that someday if I ever achieve my dream and become an Indie filmmaker.

Emotional high

I've been on an emotional high lately. I had trouble falling asleep Saturday night because I was so happy. The past few days I've been smiling like crazy (and at random intervals). I know that I'm going to crash eventually (what goes up must come down), but I don't care. I'm trying to enjoy my high for right now (while it lasts). I don't usually get this happy (or stay that way for this long) so I'm taking advantage of it.

Cheers, my friends! To life!